The pain is so awful. OMG. One day I'm OK, realize how unhappy I was too, but then the next, I'm slipping back into deep depression and pain that, even when I'm not consciously thinking about it, doesn't go away all day and I cry and cry and cry. The pain literally takes over my entire body. Feels like my soul is being ripped physically out of me and torn into a million pieces.
I know I need to let him go. He would never make a decision like this, a D, without being certain that's what he wants. I know him.
What kills me most is how quickly he's been able to move on. He's a very emotionally-void, stoic, businesslike person to begin with. That's just how he's wired. And I realize he just doesn't feel emotion as deeply as people like me. But when we met, it was electrifying and extremely special, unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. We both knew immediately we the "ones" and we got married in 15 months. And we did everything together, were always together, even up to the end. The fact that he's "done" so easily and quickly is astonishing to me. Like I and our life, home, etc was some ball and chain preventing him from having the life he really wanted. He moved out 6 weeks ago, saying he wanted to separate while we went to counseling. Even then, he made no promises of coming back, but he called, texted me constantly and took me out on dates, etc. But 2 weeks later, he dropped the Big D in counseling, saying he just couldn't forgive the past and didn't want to try. He said we had a lot of good times, and knows we CAN and do get along, but the problem is when conflict arises, and he just doesn't trust anything will change.
I've come to realize, as I said, that I've been unhappy too, just in a LOT of denial. We were both verbally abusive to each other in our own ways...although he's made a career of playing the "victim" and never being wrong.
But I believe in marriage, I believe anything can be overcome if both parties are willing. But he's not willing. And I'm dying inside. Literally dying. I've even fantasized about suicide, but I know I'd never go through with it. When I'm driving, there've been many times I've wished I'd just happen to get into a car accident and die.
I've never been like this. I'm usually a strong person. But for the past 2 days, I've just been inconsolable.
I don't know why I'm saying all this to a bunch of strangers. Guess I'm just looking for some support and to know I'm not alone.
