Matt, its very obvious that you have a lot on your plate right now. It does seem that when this stuff happens, it kinda piles on you. As far as your STBXW, you are better off not talking to her. Its a waste of time, no matter what you say, how much you can prove, or if its truly the best thing, its not going to matter. They are totally about themselves and you will not be able to change or fix that. IMO, its just easier not to fool with them period, they will just try to drag you into the drama. As far as your other problems are concerned, your job seems like its a no-win situation. Have you considered changing careers? Perhaps now is a good time to think about moving back to where your parents live. A fresh start might be the remedy to all of this. Matt, you are just in a toxic environment right now, I think you need to look at ways to remove yourself from it.
