So when STBX dropped the kids off tonight I wasn't very nice. I wasn't rude, but I clearly didn't want to look at him or smile at him or really talk to or acknowledge him in any way. When he brings them home I wish he'd drop them off, hug and kiss them, and then go. But he lingers around. He kind of half smiles at me. I wish he'd just GO. He wanted this. I can't be friendly to him when I've been scouring Craigslist for rentals and fielding Zillow links from D12 because she's so anxious to know where we're going to live.
I want to be more remote and less hostile when I see him, but I can't be detached when I am because in my head we click so well that I can't understand why we're divorcing............................
Still, I don't like being so hostile, although I AM doing it for my own self-protection. It gives him a sense of being more powerful than he deserves. It makes me look kind of petty and unforgiving. It makes me feel like a person I don't want to be after he leaves. But I don't want to be any nicer to him. I hate that he is putting me through this. It's maybe not OK, but I want to be absolutely sure that he does not think I am AT ALL OK with the choices he's made. I don't want him to think for one bloody little second that I am willing to be friendly to a guy who cheated on his wife and tore up his children's home without even investigating how he could make his life work without destroying so much. I wouldn't treat an acquaintance with his history any friendlier than I treat him. Maybe I'm being self-righteous.
I feel like I should communicate some of this to him so that I can relax my shielding and behave more neutrally to him while knowing that he is aware of my position and that the adjustment in my attitude towards him is for me and not him. On the other hand, if he's as narcissistic as I suspect, it won't matter to him any more than the other times I've told him what I am angry about. He'll just congratulate himself for taking it on the chin and being evolved about things.
Maybell - just my .02 here. You've been at this for many, many months, and you tried really hard to save your marriage during that time. I think that anger, and even some rage, is both totally normal and even called for in this circumstance. But when you spend so much time and effort in trying to repair the relationship it muffles some of that anger and now that you have truly let go - it's all bubbling to the surface again, and probably will for a while. I feel that way too sometimes (usually when one of my kids says something that is just heartbreaking) and I expect to have moments like this for years.
Also- I think an active divorce is by its nature adversarial (is it Starsky who always says that here's a reason they put the "v" in between the parties names) and its almost impossible not to see the STBX somewhat as the "enemy" while its going on. Even in an amicable situation, there are still "sides".
As to being a little hostile when he drops off the kids - I'd reframe that one as being strictly for the kids, and who gives a darn what your STBX might think. It's probably going to be one of the few times they see their parents together, so best to make it as pleasant as possible for them.
And just so you feel a little better about the drop off thing, this is how bad it got at my house. In the beginning, STBX wouldn't even acknowledge me or say anything, he just dropped the kids off and basically ran. During one of the very few conversations we had since BD, we literally had to spell out how every bit of that interaction would play out. When he srops of the kids, he is to help them with their stuff, walk them in to the house, give me a brief download of anything that I might need to know (last time D3 napped etc) and kiss them goodbye. When he picks them up, I will help him get them into his truck, tell them to have a good time and wave cheerily goodbye. Yes, we had to spell it all out...and it's still strained although I do my very best for the sake of the girls (honestly it works a lot better when he picks them up directly from school right now and drops them off there as well, but that isn't always possible).
The nice thing about where you are? There's plenty of room to go up .
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