Let me encourage everyone to make sure you delete your computer history, if you don't want your posts on the board discovered by your S, or a family member.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
and, if you don't mind me butting in, paraphrase letters, conversations and text messages when writing them here! a google search of word-for-word letters or text messages etc. can bring someone right to your thread
Last edited by u-turn; 03/22/1511:26 PM.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I also slightly alter some info just in case the W finds this site. However, if you've been reading my sitch my W would probably figure it out after reading a few of my posts.
Sandi, this is exactly what I have been doing for the past couple weeks. Everything is separated as far as bills. I take care of the kids as soon as I get home and on the weekends. She eats dinner then goes to her room. I have detached emotionally. We really don't talk much at all. I have just been doing my own thing. Once my truck is back, it will be much easier to take the kids and head to town and do fun things with them. I guess I go to my room some because I can get on here in private. Plus my kids like watching cartoons on the other tv. I have started moving on with my life. She can either stop what she is doing and WORK on joining me, or not. It is her choice.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am reading your original threads. Frankly I am very impressed with who you are and what you've done. Yes, you were a WW. But you came to these boards, got help, and seem to have done the work needed to restore your M. I haven't gotten through them all so maybe there were some serious backslides. But honestly I think you are in the minority of WWs.
What struck me is that even while you were in your WW state, you seemed to understand it was a fog or an addiction. You were battling with what you felt and what you knew to be right. You were trying hard to steer towards loving your H again.
Do you think most WW's are aware of this? Or do you think they are trying hard not to look at it so they don't even realize how foggish they are?
I guess it doesn't much matter. I'm just going through a tough time. It's sad. Whatever the reason it's sad. But I do appreciate you linking your thread, more than anything you could paraphrase it's inspiring to see what you went through. I know I'm humbled about my failures as an H seeing how hurt you'd been by the disconnection over the years. I am just sad that your M is such an exception to the vast majority that cause too much damage and don't come out of the fog until it's far too late.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Do you think most WW's are aware of this? Or do you think they are trying hard not to look at it so they don't even realize how foggish they are?
I am not Sandi but, I think that closer to the beginning and middle they are less aware, later on as the fog starts to slightly clear they are more likely to see what has happened.
And of course Sandi's case might have been different than what I have learned.
Joe- you're making the faulty assumption that there is a "winning play" you can make that will bring your W back, and quickly at that. So by that rationale anything that doesn't immediately get her to come back to you isn't working.
Bad news. You can't control her. There is nothing on ANY forum that can change her mind. That is up to her.
That's a hard reality. Many people try DBing as a form of control, trying to do anything and everything to try to keep control of their relationship. That doesn't work. It just keeps them from detaching as they interpret every mood of their WAS as a sign of working or not working.
But while there isn't a magic bullet that will guarantee your WAS will return, there are things proven to destroy those chances. Sandi is sharing some of those things in this thread and with the rules condensed from DB/DR. And while these don't guarantee a WAS will return, it will help you grow stronger as a person, lead a better life, and be the best person you can be. Ultimately that's all you can do to set yourself up for a healthy R in the future.
For it to get your WAS back she has to notice, believe those changes, AND be willing to do some work herself. Sadly that is up to her. But that IS the best thing you can do for yourself and your R.
What struck me is that even while you were in your WW state, you seemed to understand it was a fog or an addiction. You were battling with what you felt and what you knew to be right. You were trying hard to steer towards loving your H again.
Do you think most WW's are aware of this? Or do you think they are trying hard not to look at it so they don't even realize how foggish they are?
Interesting question, and I'm not sure that I can give a qualified answer. For me, I didn't have the terminology or information related to these issues. I had read books for years on MR's, but not on this particular subject. Cadet gave a very good answer, and I would say that my fog had cleared just enough for me to reach out to this board for advice.
In my own case, timing played a vital role. After all this time, some of the details may get a little fuzzy, but I can look back and see how things came together to have its final and fullest impact to clear the fog. For example, I thought I could make my grown children believe their Dad was the bad guy, and I wa considering leaving the M for that reason. Well that idea was totally busted when my daughter told me she had known about OM for weeks.....and had read most of the computer history between me and the OM!! I was mortified! I couldn't blame anyone but myself b/c in my fogged out state, I had left the computer monitor open. Other things had been happening beforehand with the OM that was causing me some doubt about him, but I tried to make excuses. Combined with little things here & there with the information I was getting, being busted by my own carelessness and knowing "I" had destroyed the respect of my family was my personal "loss" that cracked the barrier, so to speak. It was at that moment the last of the fog lifted and consequences of my actions slapped me very hard in the face.
Maybe for other women, it happens all at once, IDK. Can't remember reading such a case. I do believe there can be a certain shock value to her awakening. The problem for a lot of newcomers is getting focused on what to do to shock the WW back, and it doesn't work well for them.
Sometimes, I think maybe I was somewhat an exception to what we usually hear. However, the main exception was my coming here to the board. Everything else was pretty much the same as other WW's.
Wish I could give you a more direct answer to your question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The problem for a lot of newcomers is getting focused on what to do to shock the WW back, and it doesn't work well for them.
Just a couple of points about this.
Someone can do everything "right" and it wont shock them back. Someone else can do everything "wrong" and they come back.
The changes we make need to be for us and need to be real, not to fool them or trick them back. That wont work.
DETACH and basic DB is really the best path.
The fog I beleive will render them without memory later on. As Sandi said above she does not even remember things that happened. Think more like a woman in childbirth does not remember the pain of it when it is over, only the joy of the child. The brain works that way to protect us from bad things.
