Confused 3

[sandi2]

This is where I get confused. When I read about all the posts saying that I didn't see the signs. I did not love my wife like I should have. I caused her emotional problems. I start believing that I drove her to have this affair or become addicted to this job. So how am I supposed to say" I will not be in a open marriage or support you while you are having a EA or support you while doing this job", if I drove her to do this??

We talked about some of this on my thread, so I don't want to rehash it again. I'm sure you've probably heard someone say about their S that he/she drove me to drink. But that is not exactly true, is it? The drinking was a chose. A lot of people self medicate, trying to cope with difficult problems, and usually, add more problems by the method they choose.

Joe, we have all made mistakes in our relationships. If the message coming across is saying you didn't love your W the way you should have, and you are responsible for her decisions.........maybe it was not worded very well, IDK.

I have gone back over some of your posts and I see a guy who is sensitive and when under pressure may over-react just a hair? Sounds exactly like me when I am stressed out. So whenever you are confused, by all means, speak up. Likewise, when we see you say something we feel could have been misunderstood, okay?

For the record, everyone on the board may not agree 100% all the time in the advice given. Partly b/c each stitch has some variaration, as well as similarities. The other part has to do with the one giving the advice and their experiences and knowledge. But even more importantly.......If you read advice on another member's thread, it may not necessarily be designed for your stitch. Make sense?

For example, whenever I talk about WW's, it is in overall general terms. I am not there and do not know that woman personally. All I have about that stitch is what the H has said. I can usually hit pretty close, but mostly it is a wide spectrum.

Not long ago, there was a newcomer who very confused b/c as he had read Divorce Remedy, and he took everything MWD said to apply personally to his stitch. However, there are some parts that may be advice for those with unfaithful partners and wouldn't apply to those who had faithful partners. See what I mean? We have to make sure who the message goes to, and what their stitch is.

Of course, if you've directly been given contrary advice, I could understand why it would rattle your brain. I don't know what to tell you other than try to stay balanced and think hard about it.

Actually, that's the very reason I started a thread about wayward wives b/c I had seen over time how some newcomers were getting mixed advice......or interpretation. Some of the advice was spot on for a WAW who was not wayward, however, was not so effective when applied toward a WW.

I think you were doing pretty good until the emotional abuse subject came up. You see, I didn't make a big deal out of your WW accusing you of it, b/c WW's say stuff like that all the time! But when pointed out to you by another member, you have been twisted inside ever since. Only you know if it is true or not. If it is, then get help so you can change it. If not, then move forward. But either way (guilty or not), your W is the one responsible for her own actions. I have repeated that statement many, many times.

Look Joe, if your W did not have a wayward heart, the minute you told her you did not want her doing the phone sex.......she would have dropped it immediately, with great relief. Instead, how did she react? Those are the telling signs, right there.

So how am I supposed to say" I will not be in a open marriage or support you while you are having a EA or support you while doing this job", if I drove her to do this??

Nobody pushed you into saying anything. We gave you examples of how to state a boundary. It is your decision to make. You felt more like a man than you had in a long time, didn't you? But now you are back to second guessing yourself b/c you think everything is your fault and you have no right to say this to your W?