still moving on

[Ahoy]

Now that the house has found a buyer, I can start moving things down to my home state. This week I'm making the 20-hour road trip to move a few things down in advance. Really looking forward to it. Picked up a book on tape about meditation to deal with anxiety. The realtor will be getting a few things fixed on the house per the buyer's request while I'm away.

I'm getting to a place -- or at least I aspire to get to a place -- where I don't constantly stew over the false narrative that H is promoting regarding the demise of our marriage. A discussion wouldn't change anything, and I will never get any true apology or remorse from him for his cheating and destroying our family while pretending to be happily in love with me, and for failing to communicate his unhappiness so we could make things better. I need to let go and truly move on. I need to let thoughts of him, and trying to figure out what he's been thinking/doing, diminish into the background and not figure so prominently. Time and distance will help significantly in that regard, I suspect.

Most of all, I want peace of mind. I want to be free of the fear and anxiety that comes with a major life change. I want to embrace the challenges that this new chapter presents as if it were a daring adventure, rather than a failure and retreat.

I think I can do that. But what I am less certain of is ever being able to trust again. I just don't know if that's possible. To love wholly, you have to be vulnerable. I'm not going to be able to do that for a long time, I suspect.