I believe what triggered my wife to start acting this way was when her youngest son from her first marriage graduated
Triggered is a good word, b/c I doubt that her son's graduation was the cause of her waywardness. My personal experience would take too long to give much details b/c it had been building for years. However, I will try to briefly give you a picture.
We had had bedroom problems for a long time due to my lack of atgraction for my H.......which was caused by others issues outside the bedroom. I prayed for years that God would help me have sexual desire for my H. I would talk to my H about my needs until I was blue in the face. He never got it. I felt the reason we didn't have enough sex was my fault. Anyway, at some point, I felt my prayers were being answered, or else b/c I was applying more effort. The ironic part was just as I was enjoying sex and looking forward to being intimate with my H (instead of dreading it), he suddenly pulls back. He gets this idea that I am just doing it for him........or something. He would never really tell me. I knew in the past he felt rejected many times, but here I was finally able to be the sexual partner he had always wanted....and he stops cold turkey. So then my pride really kicked in. We stubbornly waited on the other one to initiate. Both egos were beaten down.
In the meantime, we had gone through extremely tough times with our grown D. I can't go into all of it b/c it's too long. She had a serious disease, was divorce and had a child. We were struggling to pay our bills and my H wasn't working like I thought he should. What seem to be my trigger was when our D was in an accident that would takes weeks to recover. She and her teenage son had to stay with us, in a very cramped little house. The stress was working overtime on me, and to escape for a few hours every night. I would go online to play games. You know those games where another person can be your opponent, and on yeah.......you can instant message while you play. At first whenever someone would say anything flirty I would shut it down immediately. Anyway, there was this one man who was really nice and didn't do any of the flirting, etc. He was very funny and I would enjoy spending that time with him b/c he made me laugh and forget my problems for a while.
What I did not realize was that I was developing an emotional attacment to him. He made me feel good. Anyway, long story shorter, it ended abruptly and I found myself searching for someone else that could make me feel better. I won't go into the sorted detailed b/c it is embarrassing. Let's just say that for the first time in my life, I was being the bad girl, and found it exciting. I eventually ended up on a dating site. I had become addicted to the thrill. That is how I met another man and that led to having an Internet A. And that is why I could see what was happening to your W, Joe.
You see, for years I tried to hold down the resentment in my heart. It started right after we were M and my H would not make me priority over his family, especially his mother. He would stand up for me, and that really affected my desire for him.......which led to other problems. I also lost respect for him, and that led to even more issues. Neither of us were getting our needs met from the other one. Remember, I am talking about decades, b/c our children were grown when I finally crossed the line. So many other things were involved, but there's not enough space or time to tell it. You might say I was being "conditioned" to eventually put my emotions into the driver seat and go wherever they led.
It doesn't take years for all women, of course. That is just my story. We read stories on the board how some couples are M just a couple of years, or less, when an A or wayward behavior Is discovered. Every woman is an individual with a different character.
I would dare say that more was going on with your W than just being depressed over her son graduating. Especially when she still has little children at home. Makes no sense, does it? She withdrew from the entire family, not just you. Maybe you never discovered what else was happening, but I'll bet it was much more complicated than you know.
Listen Joe, my H discovered my Internet activity. He first tried the loving approach. I could not even look at him. I cried my eyes out. Not out of remorse, Joe, but from being caught. I was guilty as sin! He gave me a chance, even though I never apologized or agreed I'd never do it again, he just assumed. I continued with my activity, just much more carefully. The next confrontation was not quite so lovingly. My inner rebellion rose up and I thought, "Just watch me!". So, I continued by taking my A deeper "underground". The third confrontation, all sh't hit the fan! Guess what I did? Took it even deeper.
You cannot sit her down and have a loving discussion to work this out. She is rebellious. She will defy you. Have you ever had to deal with rebellious teenagers or young adults? I mean those who are he11 bent on doing what they want to do and you won't stand in their way? That is exactly how the WW is, only worse. MC won't work right now. You have to take a tough stand, let her go, and move on with your life. You aren't doing it. You are allowing her to stay in her room and continue doing the phone sex. You ignoring her and/or what she's doing doesn't work if you gave a boundary about it. You are trying to find excuses to cover yourself, like saying you like having your own bedroom, etc. That is pure BS! You are scared of the tough love it will take for her to realize you mean what you said.
If you want to live under those conditions, so be it. I am not trying to bully you to do something you don't want to do. Just don't set boundaries and then make excuses to cover your lack of action.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
