I went through a deep, debilitating depression. I have felt as you do now. The despair, the unworthiness, the feeling as if you will never climb out of it. I was curled into a ball on the floor at one point.
I know you feel as if you just dont have the strength to do what you need to do. I wish I could tell you that there is an easy fix, but, I cant.
Honestly, you need help to get through this. Thats the simple fact. I went through 4 therapists before I found the one who helped to change my life. And I thank God for her everyday.
But the thing is that I had to want it, Tad. The truth is, I didnt at first. I mean, I knew that I couldnt go on living the way I was. I had a son who loved me and was watching me. What was I showing him? I was in charge of teaching him how to navigate through life's tough stuff. I had to figure out how to teach him well.
So, with that as a goal, I began to fake it. I mean, that's the honest truth. I pushed myself to do one thing differently. Just one thing.
Sometimes it was taking a different route home. Sometimes trying a different store. I smiled at people more.
I found my therapist. I tried different medications. I know that's not for everyone. I resisted them for a long time. But they helped me at the time.
I continued pushing through. I started to slay the dragons of my childhood.
Through hard work, determination and sheer will, and with my boy as my catalyst, I noticed a shift.
The more I smiled at people, the more they smiled back. I started to try more new things. I saw that people liked to be around me.
I realized that my mother and my xh were wrong. I was worthy. I was enough.
It was a long, tough journey, Tad. But my son was worth it...and so was I.
I dont think you want to feel the way you do. I think you just dont have the strength to fight.
But here's the thing. You have gotten through some really tough stuff in your life.
YOu have four wonderful boys, a job you like, your health. That is way more than most.
One day you may be a grandfather. Tomorrow you may meet someone who changes your life.
Still a lot of life left to live. Still a lot of good stuff that can happen.
But you have to be willing to do the work. It wont be easy. But, man, what it can bring.
Do one thing differently, Tad. Push yourself to do it. Then do another.
Smile more even when you dont feel like it. Go somewhere..anywhere..even if you dont want to. Keep trying therapists til you find the right one.
Show your sons how to get through life. They are watching, Tad. You know that.
As far as your past..you know your truth. Dont allow anyone to take that away from you.
