Confused 3

[Joe46]

Thank you for responding V. What you said makes sense. I have struggled with all of this because I get heading down a path that I think is right and than something comes along and I second guess myself.

I started working on being more loving and supportive of my wife about 2 months ago. I would leave her nice notes once in awhile. Send her a text once in awhile. Really listen and ask her about what was going on with her. Things I should have been doing all along. It felt different to me. She was giving me hugs and saying good night and getting kisses once in awhile. To be honest, it felt like it was not the right time for me to be doing these things. I wanted to, but not while she was talking these type of phone calls. I felt like a doormat. But I was confused about what to do. I had a gut feeling that she was talking with someone else. I have had gut feelings in our marriage before and they turned out to be true. So I decided to test my gut feeling. Our cell phones were under her name. I wanted to see about how much it would cost to upgrade. But I need to log on to the account. So I needed the log in. She texted it to me. Didn't work. Came home that night. Told her it didn't work. I asked her to log on with her computer so I could look while she takes her nap. She logged on and sat right next to me and watched me like a hawk. I told her I would put her computer back when I was done. She said she was not tired. I than had to use the bathroom and told her I would look at it another time. When I came back upstairs she was taking her nap and had logged out of the account. She said I could use her computer. I tried logging in again. Nothing. Tried several times. Nothing. Just happened to type in something in her search on the computer and all these emails came up using her character name from work. The only reason I see that she would not want me to see the cell phone account is because she does not want me to see the number she is texting or calling all the time. I made the decision right than that I had to change what I was doing. I was working on being more loving and supportive to her while she appears to be carrying on a online affair.

This is where I get confused. When I read about all the posts saying that I didn't see the signs. I did not love my wife like I should have. I caused her emotional problems. I start believing that I drove her to have this affair or become addicted to this job. So how am I supposed to say" I will not be in a open marriage or support you while you are having a EA or support you while doing this job", if I drove her to do this??

These past few weeks, I have felt better about myself. I have felt stronger and more confident. I have felt like I can deal with these things and I will be okay. But I also want to work on my issues. I also don't want to do more of the same behavior with my W. So if she feels like I neglected her in the past, am I just doing more of the same? I also want to work on some things about myself, but don't know where to start.