hold on! - 8

[Zues126]

U turn. I don't have any easy answers about LOGISTICS. But I have one question for you- why are you even talking to her?

She's not your W. She's not going to be reasonable. I would think of her as nothing more than a robot that will screw another man, spew at you relentlessly, and then use your emotions to avoid consequences. She will do this every time you push the push the big red button called "having a conversation". Why keep pushing the button expecting different results?

I get it. It is devastating to realize. But now that the facts are 100% clear to you, act according to those facts. Nothing you say will result in any positive movement be it for her or for you.

What would you do if you KNEW she'd never change from the way she is behaving right now? I'd recommend doing that.

[u-turn]

What would you do if you KNEW she'd never change from the way she is behaving right now? I'd recommend doing that.

Thanks Zues - hurts but thanks. This is how I need to act.

She has said she's changed 100 times. She said it was over with him. We were to work on us now. LIES AGAIN.

[u-turn]

Whiny complaint:

Caught myself crying this morning while researching living options - I haven't cried in a long time. It's like a new bomb drop.

I think I see how this is going to go. I am going to be the a-hole that gives up and breaks the family. While I am planning my future, now she is super-mom-ing and best friend-ing the kids (which I see as more manipulation of them and me).

I have shut down talks with W. I told her that I will not move forward with her - this will not work (that's it).

Should I try to compete with her for the attention of the kids? It seems futile right now.

[Zues126]

Vets- please chime in! Bump!

[PeterV2]

I would tell her to leave. You should stay in the house. Pack her bags for her and toss her out.
Get advice from your lawyer as to what you can and can't do. Can you change the locks?

[u-turn]

At this point, she will not leave on her own. She says she won't.

I can't physically force her out. I can try to make it miserable for her here (makes me look like an ass to the kids). I can change the locks while she's out (maybe makes me look like a psychopath to the kids - sounds like it would be traumatizing for them).

I hate the idea of giving up and leaving, but maybe it's best for the kids.

I am ready to find/see a Lawyer, - I have not done so yet. I also never fully followed through with separating my finances from hers. This is a must tomorrow (new bank account at a different bank - new direct deposit).
----
She left with D15 and on her way out she came into my office and said "sorry I haven't talked to you - I am not avoiding you"

I said, I am not avoiding you either, I just don't think we have anything to talk about at this point. I don't want to talk about this.

She looked confused (what? - u-turn is saying he doesn't want to talk about this?)

She asked "what do you want me to do?"

I told her she could do anything she wants - it is not my business any more.

She looked at me, started to cry and said "I love you u-turn g-damnit" (I'm not sure that I have ever not responded to an ILY - I just couldn't)

I looked at her with my shocked face - I could not believe what I was hearing and I'm afraid I showed it. I did not respond.

She left - I do suspect she is going to try talking to me later again.

I had lunch with S17, he knows something is happening, knows we are hurting (the whole family is hurting), but he is all on-board with the playful super-mom thing too. I would be too if I didn't know it was a ruse.

[u-turn]

I made her cry because of what I said. I wasn't shaming her or using angry words or tone. Actually almost a whisper - as I didn't want the kids to hear. I didn't say all of the things that were running through my mind because I didn't want to re-hash a year of pain, I didn't want to sound like I am not taking any responsibility and only pointing my finger at her. I didn't want to make a scene with this and take off my ring and hand it to her. I just wanted her to know.

30 minute conversation with the fewest words ever (maybe)

her: "what's on your mind?"
me: after much thought and clinched teeth. "I don't think we can move forward from this"
her: waiting for more
me: "I think I'm done W"
People that I have talked to here and in real life, I'll know when I'm done.
her: later after much pacing the room and crying. "will this make you happy?"
me: long pause "I don't know"

I know there is not much here, but she got it. Like I said, I don't think I need to go into the details (she should already know). She went to bed and I don't think she could make her look up. She knows that this is it, that we will never be the same. That this will not work. I don't know if she feels the pain that I have felt, but I think she may understand a little more. She knows that I don't give up like this.

She knows that I am defeated - if this is what she wanted to win, she won.

Painful for me, and maybe painful for her.

But I have to move on with my life, there are other people that need me, that value me, that have expectations of me that I am proud and happy to give to. (my kids, family, friends, students, clients, strangers....).

My school is undergoing a accreditation review for the next three days and I have to be on my best. wish me luck..

[Starsky309]

A

I am ready to find/see a Lawyer, - I have not done so yet. I also never fully followed through with separating my finances from hers. This is a must tomorrow (new bank account at a different bank - new direct deposit).

She bomb-dropped you 14 months ago, and you found out she was having an affair 12 months ago . . . and you haven't done any of these things yet???

[Starsky309]

I told her that I would not live this lie and cover for her and torture myself while she does whatever she wants for 3 years so she can hide the truth from everyone.

. . . I said the only person I feel truly bad for is OMW and I feel that is another burden that I have (I never told her - she doesn't know).

That poor woman. Why should she be the only one of the four affected, to NOT know the truth about what's going on, so she can make her own decisions accordingly?


Starsky

[u-turn]

She bomb-dropped you 14 months ago, and you found out she was having an affair 12 months ago . . . and you haven't done any of these things yet??? confused

I have not done the right things. I have trusted that this would end, that she would end it, that she would see that this is wrong.

I was the one that was wrong. stupid and naive. Now I HAVE to act instead of hoping.
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That poor woman. Why should she be the only one of the four affected, to NOT know the truth about what's going on, so she can make her own decisions accordingly?

I feel so guilty about this - this is all on me. But I will feel guilty when I tell her - She may be blindly happy without this information. Damned either way.