Confused 3

[Vanilla]

See this is where the Divorce Busting gets confusing!!

Joe, DB is straightforward. DB is about you Joe and doing that which works for Joe. Your M is ancillary to Joe, if something is not working do something else.

Wives send their husbands signals that they don't understand.

Unlikely it is signals, women in general are considered the better communicators. This is generalising as in all cats like fish, supposing your cat prefers chicken and is allergic to fish. Is what you are saying that you (Joe) have not yet decoded your Ws behaviour and words? Consider how large do the gestures have to be, how old the talk before you hear her.


After sending these signals for a long time, the wife finds another man.

Perhaps, perhaps not.

Than we come here and are told to avoid contact with them. Don't text, call, write or try to talk to them. So now the wife has more ammunition to say " I'm glad I left". Or we help push them out the door by doing all these things.

Joe, you do what works. In some cases communication helps in others it does not. WW in general are hard to communicate with when they are deep in an EA and PA, and it is for the LBS that it is recommended less contact. Many of them leave themselves.

I am suppose to validate my wife's feelings, but I can't because we are not suppose to talk about relationship things.

Joe, I do not read this into DB. V validates her H and his feelings, it is human and good to do.

I will no longer have drawn out discussions about my R with H. I will validate H in his feelings. The two things are not the same and there is no result from one to the other. Just because I do not discuss our R then I can still validate H feelings. Validation does not mean that I agree, just that I acknowledge. H may say V I hate cheese and I do not want cheese in my house. I can say, I hear you H you do not like cheese and I understand that. I am not agreeing, just acknowledging.

I recommended a book to MCS which you may find helpful which discusses this Co dependency for dummies. You can also look at Al Turtles site for the following: Validation, Detachment.



Or I am suppose to DETACH.

Detachment means to let go of the outcome. It means doing what needs to be done without expectation of results. Detatchment does not mean not attaching. If done properly detachment is very helpful to both DB and your M. It means trying a 180 and having no expectation of success, it means trying new ways of approaching your issues and then evaluating if it needs adapting or changing. Detatchment is a life tool.

I wonder if this is really Divorce Busting or Divorce prepping??? I feel like the things I have been doing lately are pushing my wife out the door.

Change what you do, try something else if that is how you feel. Use a new tool.

I get the feeling she is stock piling money and spring cleaning so she is ready to leave.
W choice. Get Intel so you know if it concerns you.

Joe, I felt I wanted to answer you from my experience.