Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

W called regarding parenting plan. Her first words were 'I think you have a nerve...'. Luckily, I had read a lot of 'connecting through yes' last night, which is all about agreeing rather than trying to persuade or reason. In other words it seems like validating things over arguing, which gets us nowhere. W was shocked by this new approach. She seemed to link it to my prior calm behaviour and said she can't trust me alone with the kids because of the things I said last week at the hospital. Instead of disagreeing I said something along the lines of 'well, it's good that you have concern for our children at the foremost of your mind.'. Virtually all the 10 minute or so conversation went that way, with only the odd blip where I went into reasoning mode...but then quickly redeemed myself.

It had a result anyway. After saying I had a nerve and it wasn't going to happen, W slowly conceded that as their father I have rights and that she will text me in the next day or so about making arrangements. She is undoubtedly going to come back with a schedule that suits her completely. I will deal with that as it arises. One thing she kept saying is that she doesnt have to meet my demands. I said these are only initial suggestions that could be changed if need be. She pointed out that I'd have them 'all' weekend and she'd only have them on a Sunday when she works Sundays. I said I understand that may be difficult with your work but I don't know when your shifts are anymore, these are just suggestions, and it may be beneficial to the kids to spend one day each of the weekend with both of us. She huffed and puffed but more or less agreed in principle.

Finally, the thing that seemed to spin her head was this: she kept mentioning how I would threaten her about exposing A to work or say I'd kill myself if she didn't get back with me and so on. Instead of responding in usual manner I said 'well I wouldn't want you to get back with me if that meant you were in an unhappy relationship. I wouldn't expect you to be in an unhappy relationship. She was momentarily lost for words. She said 'err yeah, that's right.'. I think tthat has got her thinking. Reconnect through agreement is the key here I read. She also bemoaned the fact that I hadn't been in touch all week to see the kids. I did at this point outline what had transpired with her saying she would contact me and we'd go from there, which is what haopened...she.contacted me and we arranged to go out. It felt strange taking the call in that way, but I guess that's the definition of a 180. I read in DB last night 'what could you do to shock your W into thinking you were getting on with your life? Well, at no point did I say I didn't want to be with her but I reckon I've certainly got her thinking.