Nuggets

[tadpole1025]

Hey Wonka.

Thanks for checking in.

I'll ramble...Not sure how much sense I'm going to make since I really don't even know how I feel.

There isn't much going on with me. Actually there is NOTHING going on with me.

I'm still talking to my female friend at work. Actually, she seems a little friendlier lately. Not sure what that means.

I just can't seem to get moving. A friend of mine at work has offered to go out and have some fun. I've turned him down 2 weeks in a row. The funny thing is, I'm not even sure why. It's like I KNOW I need to get out of the house and I KNOW I need to get out and do things, but I can't or WON'T. It's kind of like I see no point in it. Or, it is fear.

The last time I posted here, I was sort of accused of "looking for reasons" to not do this or that. I'm not looking for reasons. I'm really not.

I'm just.....I don't know.

In a bad spot.

I've spent the last 3 weeks watching my little rattie get weaker and weaker. I think she has lost most, if not all of her eyesight. She has been extra clingy towards me and will hold on as tight as she can when it is time to put her in the cage. All she wants is to be with me. It breaks my heart. I hate leaving her when I go to work. I try to spend as much time as I can with her because I know she will probably be dying soon. Wish I wouldn't get so upset about her, but I can't help it. I know it is normal to be upset when a pet is getting ready to pass, but the feelings that I have do not feel normal. She's made it much longer than I thought she would. Seems like EVERYTHING I hold near and dear has been taken away from me. Even as a kid...I've spent my entire life getting attached to things/people only to have them taken away. I mean, it has ALWAYS been like that for me. I won't go into details here, but I believe I posted details of my childhood in an earlier thread. Having things taken from me started very early.

I want to start living life. I want the pain of everything to just stop. I almost feel like I am 9-10 years old again:

A small, weak, timid, confidence lacking little boy....a boy who would rather stay in than go out to play. A boy who would rather listen to a conversation than be a part of it.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm just different. Different in a way that I can't even explain. I'm not even sure if it is a bad different or a good different.

I was doing pretty well I think until about December/January.

There is so much that I want to do or see, but I just can't swing it. I don't have much money, but I have a little. I just want...

Told you I'd ramble.

I have given up soda and have actually lost 10 pounds. I plan to join the gym when my rattie passes. I've also quit smoking. I haven't had one since December 31st but....sometimes ask myself "whats the point?" I should just continue smoking anyways. If it shortens my life by a decade or two, who cares? Seriously?

I need friends. I need friends outside of work. I need people I can do things with and talk to. With the exception of my boys, I have absolutely NOBODY and I don't want to burden them.

Speaking of my sons:

S22 quit his job. Ug......just more garbage to add to the plate.

I wish they could all just get their lives together so I can get mine together. I hate feeling like this, but sometimes I feel like they are holding me back. I just can't do it any longer.

S22's band has a show coming up on April 7th. XW will not be there this time because OM is having a "medical procedure" performed. Whatever the Hell that means.

I have a great job, (want to have) my own place, get 3 days off a week.....and that's it.

No friends
No activities
No hobbies
No family

Nothing....

There were many times when I was married and on the radio that XW and I both wished that I could just have an ordinary job/life. Now, I'm ordinary. Too ordinary.

Sometimes I really do wish I could just go to sleep and leave the world and everyone behind.

I know deep inside of me
There's a place but it's not plain to see
Where I belong, where no one else can be

And I'm searching for myself again
And when I'm all alone is when
I close my eyes, and no one else can see

I have no social interaction with anybody outside of my job. I see these people 4 days a week and then go home and....

Nothing.

Just like it was when I was a kid.

When I was a kid:

I never talked unless spoken to.

I always felt inferior.

I never participated in extra activities.

I wasn't popular unless....I was getting picked on.

After school, I went straight home and went right back into my world.

And that's how I feel now. I feel like I belong in my little world, but not in anybody else's. And....I'm too afraid to let anyone in mine.

I am afraid. I am afraid of everything....

That is why I've seriously considered becoming a monk or just walking the earth until I find my place or die looking.

Sorry you asked Wonka?



I feel like I don't belong.
I feel like I've already lived my life or like the best is behind me.
I feel like I'm in a fog.
I feel like I'm watching a movie and it's really not me playing the lead role.
I feel like that this was all some master plan, but I wasn't involved in the planning process.
I feel like I've already lived through the best part...

As I've said, I'm just so very tired...So tired.

I've been wanting to visit the beach, but....that just reminds me of being young and in love. I lived near the ocean when I met XW.

I want to get in the car and drive until I run out of gas...then don't come back. I'd like to move somewhere that I've never been and just take it from there. The only thing is, it would mean leaving my sons behind and that would pretty much put an end to ANY family that I have....

I kind of feel like an outsider in my own life: like I don't belong or like I'm the new kid that nobody wants to talk to or get to know.

I just don't know how much I have left....just so emotionally/mentally and even physically drained.

I sometimes look back on my marriage and wonder if XW was really the way she is now and maybe I was just too stupid/blind to see it. I know everyone preaches that there was nothing I could have done, but sometimes I wonder. I still sometimes say to myself that "there is no way that the XW I knew could have done what she did."

My grandmother always taught me to do the right thing. And I can honestly say that I've done pretty well with that. There isn't a mean bone in my body, I've always been nice, I've always been the nice guy that could be counted on and always treated people the way that I wanted to be treated. And....this is what I get.

Hell, even the day that XW MOVED OUT, I was told by her:

"I LOVE YOU."

"YOU'LL MAKE SOMEONE REALLY HAPPY SOMEDAY."

"YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES."

That was the day she moved out!

....and here I am. Still here with no sense of self. I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I want. I seem to have lost my identity somewhere along the way. Which is why I should probably become a monk or just crawl into a cave somewhere.

It's funny/ironic in a way. My spouse went through an identity crisis and here I am with no identity.

Seriously Wonka, I really don't know how I'm doing. Something has changed in me in the last couple of months.

There is so much I want to say, but can't find the words.

Anyways, thanks for the bat signal. I'm here, but not sure where HERE is....

Tad