W continuing A with OM from AA meetings

[DaddyLongShanks]

Update.

W has been home. She seems to have ended things with OM. Not noticing anything out of the ordinary, then again, I am not home all day while she is. She is taking care of S3 during the day more often, opposed to taking him to her mother's house. She also seems to not be avoiding her family as she used to. She has changed her AA meeting times and is, at least she claims, working with her sponsor a lot more. This is something she was supposed to be doing the entire time. All of her rings are on, engagement, newer (prior to sitch) replacement wedding band, and another one with our son's birth stones. They look good.

How convinient. Explore this fantasy, have you suffer in pain and come back conveniently at the end. OM never intended to provide for her, only to bed her.

Basically, she seems to have come to some realizations. She claims that she realizes that she cannot pursue her A actions because she feels like she was away for our S3 too much, and that she was not going right by me. She feels like she cannot go through with a "custody battle" right now. She feels like she was performing the exact same actions with the A as she was when she was drinking and using (lies, deceit, avoidance, etc.). She realized that no one trusts her given what she has been doing with the chemical dependence and the A and that it is important for her to gain that trust again with everyone.

Wow. What a realization. Your case is one of the minorities. She could be telling the truth. Perhaps she wants respect back and for people to trust her.

Who are the ones who lost trust with her? Stable and loyal relation partners, or singles who were outraged at the depth of her actions?

She was emotional saying the aforementioned things, but I could not tell if she was saying these things because I wanted to hear them, or if she meant them.

When they are double lifing like this, in the manner required to perform a successful affair, they can literally "say" anything which is required to cause an outcome.

We are actually talking about things, problems we have had in the past, where her mind is now. We have been a lot more open with each other. Good, calm, respectful conversations. She feels like a lot of the problems in the past were that I was only interested in a physical relationship with her. I can see this to an extent, though making love came about with very little frequency shortly after getting married. She says that whenever I show any kind of physical affection, rubbing her feet or back, cuddling, that I am expecting to take it further all the time. Not true by any means, but the way she feels.

About you providing more intimacy that is required and love and her being concerned that you want it to go further... Obviously she feels like that is not your space currently. A "real" wife or gf would be ok with you showing her in that manner. She's being honest.

We actually did make love this past week, it was good. Talked about some things right after. She feels like we would "never talk" before or after any kind of intimacy. That because of this she became overly self conscious about her body and herself. She did have an orgasm, and thought that I thought it was disgusting (apparently always has). I let her know otherwise. That all physical interactions I have with her have an emotional component and I find them to be beautiful, even if I do not say anything immediately afterward. Unfortunately, our S3 decided to interrupt our conversation continuously, so it made it a little more difficult to fully express everything without stops.[?quote]

Your still banging someone who was just recently with someone else. You have to look @ it the way she does.

[quote=TryIt10]

Yesterday morning, I was feeling a little frisky, started kissing. She said, "I will if you want me to." I stopped, and said, "I want you to want to." Had a conversation about her comfort level with having a physical relationship with me instead. She mentioned that most of the time she would just make excuses to not make love (I knew this), that a lot of times she feels guilty and just goes with it so "you can get what you deserve," in the sense of a physical relationship. She feels like a lot of the time, she was forced and that I was just there for the sex and nothing else. She says she feels like she has PTSD with me and that she "almost gags." Not sure how she has an orgasm with that mindset. I did validate all of her feelings, reassured her about the emotional and beauty I see in our affections.

When they make them self available to other people and make excuses why they can't be with their spouse, this is what happens. It must be worked through, and the brain works like you see, just like she says it does.

She has to in a disciplined fashion to allow it to happen, knowing her reasoning has been altered by her infidelities.

She does realize that I do love her, but she does not feel like she can reciprocate, that the love she has for me is more like family or a friend, but not a husband. She says that she enjoys being with me, raising our S3 together, but just cannot get to the physical aspect. She says that there was no passion in our relationship. A lot of what she says, makes it seem like she has not idea what happens in long term relationships, though I am not going to claim myself to know everything. I know I was not always there for her emotionally, though tried. Mounting resentments did cause some issues with both of us. Work and life stressors, they happen.

She probably thinks love is like an obsession or being a fan or seeing a fine dressed man in the club. She doesn't know what real love is like, true of 99% of affair participants. Love is not lust, love is passion, love is love.

We have a MC lined up and appointment made. She did mention that with the thoughts/feelings she has, she needs counselling. I made the appointment prior to this conversation. Good thing. Hopefully it helps. She does have an IC that she has not been going to regularly. Hopefully she speaks with him, too.

You should probably participate in a few of these sessions to guage his viewpoint. Alot of the counselours shoot after the immediate reaction of making someone "feel better", so they may very well justify their foul actions.

Overall, I have been assuming this is piecing, correct? We just have some deep issues to overcome. Patience, I do have it normally when I need to.

You don't need patience here. Make her suffer consequence and loss. Cheaters don't understand anything when they are supplicated.

Best of luck to you and I'm not trying to bring you down, just bring you back out into yourself. You should never tolerate anyone "cheating" on you unless you went into it and decided it together with an open mind. It's a very painful and hurtful situation to endure.