For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

[sandi2]

I can see how years of a W not getting her emotional needs met can push her over that edge.

I wouldn't say it pushes over the edge, b/c that sounds as if she's forced over, against her will. However, it can cause her to have very negative feelings......and that sets the stage for waywardness.

She starts thinking that it is time to think of herself and her emotional needs

.

Like I said in my last post, it begins with having the wrong feelings in her heart. Those feelings continue to grow until it outweighs anythings else. Then she reacts to something, and with that comes a good feeling. So good, in fact, that she wants more. So she engages in more of the same behavior. She will try to justify her actions, but that doesn't mean they are!

It's not like she makes this sound decision that she should start thinking of herself and finding a better H, or even a lover who will make passionate love to her. This has been slowly building from a heart that is filled with resentment, disrespect for her H, rebellion, and maybe much more......like low self esteem, rejection, abandonment, lonliness, etc. There has been something missing. Her needs have not been met someway, somehow. Then usually something happens to either cause much stress or creates an opportunity. Either way, her guard is down. She is emotionally vulnerable. Perhaps some women welcome the temptation and responds greedily. Perhaps their heart has hardened against the H they don't even care. Perhaps it is a moment of weak desperation to feel desirable. We could list many possibilities! Bottom line is.......she's accountable for her actions. No matter how bad the M is, she is accountable for her own actions. If we start saying the H pushed her over the edge, then that sets her free of any responsibility. See what I mean? Sure, bad circumstances can influence our decisions. Being mentally or emotionally unstable can influence our decisions. Being in a terrible M can do terrible things to people. As one man told me once, the right thing to have done was for you to get D before deciding to have an A. Of course, at the time, I wanted to blame my H for everything. He was to blame for part of the breakdown in our M, but not my A.

But isn't this kind of saying, you didn't love me like I wanted to be loved so now I can find love elsewhere?

Maybe. I'm not sure how you mean this, b/c you are trying to make it sound too logical. WW's are not logical. Their emotions are leading their actions! Women think so differently from men, so how can I possibly explain where you understand?

I guess it confuses me some. I thought that we had talked about a WW and her actions are not justified because her bad things happened in her marriage?

I thought I clearly pointed out in my last post that her actions are not justified.

But I think that MC or couple retreats or just sitting down and actually talking are way better ways to handle things that doing things that make it worse." Keeping the road paved smooth" can also apply here I think

No, you are wrong. Instead of me repeating everything I have already said in this thread, why don't you go back and read my posts here? This really frustrates the he11 out me, Joe. I spent a very long time explaining why this very concept you just said about paving a smooth road is wrong!!!

Sitting down and have a long R talk doesn't do a thing to help a WW. But soft men will fall back on that cliche' b/c they are scared to do the action it takes when dealing with a WW. You had rather, even prefer, to take all the blame for you W's horrible behavior than to follow through with the boundary you set. Go back and read my thread, Joe.