Dang it, Ellie! You are right! I have exerted some serious self control.
(Well.... except that ONE time.... the only time I have seen hww in person... I never told EXACTLY what happened. BUT- I still maintained self control- when you look at the big picture. As far as what happened.....
bea- thank you! Writing is the best way for me to process my feelings and thoughts. I don't put much thought into it- I just let it loose. Which is why my posts end up being lengthy a lot of the times. My fingers go like 100 MPH. I don't really proof or check back, so I know sometimes it is like a jumbled mess. That's a good look in to my brain! Jumbled!
Today was ok. Had a good morning. Feeling strong. Xh ended up p/u d14 yesterday and taking her for about an hour. They went to T Hortons and the store. He stopped at bil for about a half hour after he dropped her off. Its now weird seeing his truck there, but i guess he is just picking up some things here and there. (No one was home)
This afternoon d14 and I went shopping. A little retail therapy... (we had to get some stuff for our trip). But, going to the mall stresses me out! It is right across the street from where xh and hww work. I know they aren't there, but they are big-time shoppers. That's like her life. So, for some reason, that's all I can think about while I am in the mall. It is like torture! I know it sounds so lame- I mean, she doesn't OWN shopping! But it bothers the heck out of me. And seeing young girls there bothers the heck out of me. It is just so hard imagining xh with someone that age. That, too.... torture.
Personally, I have never been a big shopper. But, I don't mind going with d14 usually. But, I get all sick feeling now. Especially being in that area. Where I know their r started. Going out to lunch and stuff. It is like retail mania all surrounding their work. And that is what they have in common. Not to mention the huge Babies R Us right there.
I'm going to be honest- the baby thing- that is going to be the most difficult thing for me. I am avoiding it as if I were xh dealing with the truth- I'm not.
After I was told that we would not be able to have another baby, I was really sad. I was so grateful that I was blessed with two healthy, amazing kids. I changed my mindset and decided to focus myself on the great family I already had. Yet, I really wasn't able to look at babies anymore. Not that I would get upset- I didn't allow myself to go there. I just avoided. Completely.
And now.
It's a whole new level.
One I didn't know even existed. Totally PTSD.
I can't look at it on tv. It may be my favorite show, and I can't even watch the episode if there is a baby on.
There is a new girl at work, she is pregnant. She probably thinks I am the biggest b, because I just can't even look at her.
When people talk about babies or anything- I freak out inside. Pictures, movies, anything.... I. freak. out. inside.
Today, d14 was in the changing room trying on bathing suits. I was waiting outside and realized, I was surrounded by maternity clothes. UGH!
Strollers. Everywhere.
Babies crying. Everywhere.
Little girls with their daddy. Everywhere.
Even seeing little boys- freaks me out. Xh is spending his life now with a little boy who isn't his. While his kids don't have a father around anymore.
Freaks. Me. Out.
There. It's out. My biggest obstacle. Mt. Everest.
I hate that feeling. Like going places is now tainted bc of them. I can't even take my d shopping w/o feeling terrorized. Even without the baby thing. That just adds to it.
I don't know. I just wish they lived so far away. It makes it worse knowing that they are all over these places and that I could run into them. Just the thought alone.... fight or flight... it's a coin toss. It's a really weird feeling to acknowledge the fact that I have no idea- at all- how I would respond to a certain situation. And the thing is, sometimes I could see myself acting one way, other times a different way, and most of the time- I have no idea.
So, other than that, I am doing great. But these things take a bit of a toll. D14 asked why I kept taking deep breaths. I don't even realize. It's just the weight of being there.
