I loved my husband with everything I had. I still love him.
But, here's the thing. I don't want him to be happy. I just don't. If I learn, like Bea, in 10 years that he is still suffering and trying to find his way...I'm fairly sure I will still feel some satisfaction.
I know it's not the self-actualized "thing" and I "need" to let go and forgive and plant flowers for my dead, zombie-like husband...but, that competitive part of me that has allowed people to walk all over me...well, that person really wants him to rot in he!! for what he's done.
And, for MY journey...this feels like the healthiest thing in the world. I'm finally done making excuses for him and analyzing his psyche.
I'm angry with how I've been treated...pretty much like a junkyard dog. And, I'm angry with how my children have been treated.
Something...NO. EVERYTHING inside me says that this anger deserves it's moment in the sun.
The place I'm at now???
I'm looking at my life and wondering Who would I be if the sucky people hadn't infected me with their ick?
WHO would I be? WHO DOES GOD SEE? Because I don't think God sees the person after the ick. I think HE still the sees the person HE created. WHO is THAT person? HOW can I find her and bring her to the surface despite these dumb-fuc.s who tarnished this beautiful thing God made. ME :-)
I know it sounds harsh and not Christian and self-actualized.
But, honestly, I feel a calling to use this anger. I can't imagine an Olympic athlete looks at his/her competition with pity and forgiveness. That athlete is competing.
The people on this board have been dealt some tragic cards. I'm looking around at the people I work with and deal with daily. I know other people are mistreated in marriages...I know marriages end.
But, the stuff that happens on these boards is above and beyond. I've NEVER met another person who had a husband get another woman pregnant after being married for nearly 20 years. I know it happens, but it's rare.
We are rare. We are in rare situations. WE have been given rare opportunities here. WE are serious survivors.
I'm not sure what my point was. It's just been brewing in me all week.
I'm sick of being fair and nice and forgiving.
Honestly, I think part of surviving all this ick is recreating yourself in such a way that your life is so much better than it was...there's not comparison. And, I can't see how I can get there by being wishing Smokey all the happiness.
I want him to regret his decisions like nothing else. He left ME. What an idiot. I want him to ache with pain because of the pain he caused. And, I want to continue to feel this way until he dies. Meanwhile, I want to be happy and not think about him. Ever again.
Childish? Yep.
Is this wrong?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson