Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Hi toots.

Let's see when did I last post...ah Thursday.

Yes. An up and down time some really good bits some emotional churn and some bits with me. This post may possibly local out this thread if it does look for a part 17 tomorrow night.

So ... Friday.

The plan was I was heading out nothing exciting gym or swimming ahain but w called me at the office, w said s had said he was really missing me w was also serious upset over s being cool with her and she was utterly stressed out over work and thus upcoming meeting she has. Her mum and her are writing a response. She asked did I want to have s. I never miss a chance so said yes she would feed him I'd run some errands and then pick s up after.

Headed out to the shops and w called barely holding it together. We ended up talking while I did the shopping she was very very upset. Doesn't understand why s is like he is upset over everything. Couldn't stop and just go there as I was at the shops by the office not by home, ended up parked nicely outside on the call. W still hasn't spoken with s. She says when she tries he just gets upset and they go nowhere. Bizarre scenario that after all we went through last few years it now seems I can talk to s and she can't.

Without breaking his confidence I was able to tell her some reasons he's upset, no he hates the flat obviously wants us together bit he's 10 and doesn't understand adult relationships (truth be told i don't understand this mess either) no he doesn't "hate" her but yes he's pi55ed at her and her mother as he sees them as controlling what's happening. There was lots lots more. W got into periphery of r talk I'm on edge still,better but emotionally a little sore so ran my practiced rote I don't want to split, I can't do much if that's what she wants and I respect her decision and truly want her happiness but my happiness is also important. Dating came up said I dont want to right now if we can't see a way to reconcile that yes I will at some point as I don't chose to be alone in my life (this is all a potted version w was all over the show on this chat and I was trying to follow validate and calm/support her) ultimately went back and finished the shopping shed asked for a little chocolate so got her a few bits.

Picked up s quietly handed what i got her after she printed off a ticket for an event I was taking s to today.

S and I Went and grabbed a burger then got him back bathed and to bed he settled pretty easily. W texted me later to say now shed eaten too much chocolate just replied as long as she enjoyed it. I went to bed and was pretty much out by 11

So this morning I found an email fro her after midnight saying she's decided not to book any more events for s for a while as he just seems to resent going. Emailed back saying sorry I'd not seen this and wasn't blanking her just repeated the validation (not going into all of it as it covers w s home Ed and some of S's comments on all this).

WD overbooked s today with two separate events (well w had) and I said I'd cancel the other so I did saying s wasn't up to it today. Later this morning after washing housework exercise etc etc emailed w who said lol shed done the same as well we even fib in sync. We had a brief email chat on s today.

He's down right now. He feels a little in the middle and yes upset about it. I'm doing my best but I can't give him what he wants which is his family back together. I validate him tell him both m and I love him and always will but other than that I can't promise anything. He didn't want to go to this event but talked him into trying aided by a bacon roll.

We headed up there I was feeling good PMA wise in new clothes and looking and feeling like I look nice. We met with S's friend and his mum (the one I got a wow from a while back you may remember) no wow today but lots of chat about the boys while they did their event was good to chat with her again as she went when w did and we used to talk a while back.

W was texting a little during the event but was sorting this work stuff.

Afterward didn't want s in front of screens so we headed down to a seafront park and threw the baseball about for a bit. S was grumpy though he's tired and emotional right now so gave some ground got him an ice cream and we chatted for a bit. We then threw the ball a bit more walked down to the front and watched the sea. Took a photo of the two of us me looking good him looking happy one of the only photos I've taken of myself in the last few years a like and I love its me and s.

Knew w was down about s being unhappy so sent it over to show he's OK today if a little sad.

I know thing is still a factor through various reasons and no no one else involved. It did rattle me a little. I very nearly came on here and spilt it all as I do want to talk about it but no decided its unfair to w. She's made no promise of a reconciliation at worst she may be spinning me along but I'm as guilty there of allowing it not that I'm in the duldrums or back in a sad sad state its just so frustrating really.

I'm also really missing physical company, my job to manage my own needs. I do have a high drive which doesn't help but its also just being touched and held I'm finding I daydream about. A hug in the night or a touch of the arm. I'm simply lonely for someone in my personal space bit that's just how it is right now.

So since the event w texted me to say shed now seen my messages sorry shed been in the bath before the rugby was on, nothing since.

Was sorely tempted tonight to give up.

Made s and I baked meatballs with a spicy tomato and garlic sauce with tagliatelle and choux bun to follow and we fired up a James bond movie (he's been watching some TV safe re runs so we watched one of the safer DVD ones) then he's headed to bed.

Feel a little better now but still lonely. I'm still standing for my m for now but I'm watching thing soon I may have to go my own way for my sake and for my happiness I hope that's not the case but tonight I can't help but feel a little sad about it all. I'm OK I am much better than I was a few days ago I think im just confused on w's direction but then so is she.

Tomorrow s and I will head out somewhere maybe take a road trip if he's emotionally up to it I don't want to push him too much this weekend and of he just wants to hang out here play in his room with me about instead then I'll give him some freedom to do so.

Lots in this post and probably lots of typos (been up and down to s and on tablet keyboard at the mo) lots not in here as that call alone yesterday was an hour and spanned us our breakup s his education his relationship with w mil and fil their accommodation her work and lots else. Its all left me feeling a bit alone right now. Not that I am often most evenings I either go swimming or the gym looking to get into this movie club and yoga doesn't change my feelings inside though, sometimes I'm afraid this will be my lot.

It won't. W and I will reconcile or we won't w will fully go with thing related stuff (generic much) or won't and / or I'll just throw in my hand recover and see if someone else comes into my life. Or I'll be alone but things will change I would just like a break and something good to happen (outside of s bit it would be nice for him if something nice could happen between w and I too just not only for him I w's eyes as I can see that putting us squarely where I've been for at least 5 years)

Hey ho..

Thanks for checking in though (((((toots))))) I have seen some of the bits in your thread well done on the job and the scambusting!

Cheers.