For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

[sandi2]

Okay, thanks Igit. Maybe I can simplify this by saying it this way. If your W is having an A, she is already wayward. It is not a matter of her becoming wayward, b/c she's already there. One WW's behavior and attitude may be worse than another, but it's still coming from a wayward heart.

The information about her relationship with her father is sad, indeed. How much that conditioned her to be vulnerable for waywardness, I don't know. It may have set the stage for a negative self value throughout her life. I mean, look how parents are blamed for most of our psychological problems. However, I strongly believe that waywardness is a choice. Not that we wake up one morning and say, "I have decided to become wayward". No, it is broken down into small decisions & actions based upon the negative feelings of that person. Usually they have carried around a lot of resentment and/or other unhealthy feelings, and at some point it tips the scales in what is right to what I want. IMO, they are not receiving the positive/healthy things they need to keep the scales balanced. A better description may be to see the scales balancing what we know to be right on one side and what we are feeling on the other side. When the scales tip over to what we feel, then the emotions steer the actions. It may take some particular incident, or going through a long period of endurance that takes its toll to weight the scales down.......but when the side of what I want to feel becomes too heavy........that is when the line is crossed. They do some action that is contrary to the principles/values/belief system/code of morality they previously lived. But it's more than the matter of just one action. One action could be repented, confessed, forgiven, and left behind. Instead, the one action grows b/c it feeds on the emotions of that person. It becomes a different lifestyle, perhaps hidden for a time, but eventually becomes to big to hide.

People have to have a few healthy things in their life that off-sets the bad. That's why it is so important to nourish a MR. If not, we can expect trouble. What started as a reaction to negative feelings in small, but rebellious acts, grows into larger ones, compromising their integrity. The person they once were, fades into a new rebellious and selfish creature.

I have seen many newcomers come here with broken hearts, trying to rationalize the behavior of their S. I have seen many who immediately labeled the S as having a MLC. My intent is not to add more confusion for anyone about the wayward W. I hope to explain how the waywardness separates them from the W who leaves the M for other reasons. As I said, an A certainly defines her as wayward, especially if there has been no remorse and turning away from OM. Also, from many who are in MLC get involved in a A or other wayward behaviors. Reading the symptoms of the WAW, WW, & MLC sound very much alike, don't they?

People with low self-esteem, in unhappy marriages, dealing with constant high pressured drama, have years of unmet emotional needs........on & on, are susceptible to having an A. Let's face it, if we are human we are susceptible! Doesn't mean we will choose to have one, just that everyone has some kind of weakness and need in life. It can be met in a healty way, or unhealthy. I never thought I would get involved in an A, either. I just wasn't that kind of person. Ha! That type of thinking sets us up right there. We all are capable....if the heart is wrong and conditions are just right.

The smart person, and couple, would have an affair proof plan for their M. Sadly, most of us see no need to have one, until it's too late. The misconception is believing you don't need one b/c you trust each other, have a solid M, or b/c of religious reasons, or whatever. I have learned those can all be shot down.