There really is no difference between Domestic Violence and Abuse. It is a question of where in the cycle we sit. My H has as yet not hit me physically yet but verbally, intimidation, belittling etc, certainly. That causes more damage than physical stuff. There is a book that you might like to consider the Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. The important thing Z is to be free and to indentify the situations and new men you introduce into your life so you now have a life that excludes this. So you can have the loving family that you describe for yourself.
I know that I am not frightened of H physical violence at this point, and it is possible I might never be so. When I doubt myself I replay my MP3 of the rants etc.
Z you created your own list above, revisit it, ask if any of the items on it need to be removed or if any of them are in your mind not abuse. I would ask you if 15 incidents were insufficient then how many would it take, the classic 50 or as in my case a couple of hundred?
I would say to another to be subjected to this once is enough. It has to be stopped at one incident, if it is early in a R then get out.
The TED talk is about a woman at the very end of the abuse spiral, close to serious violent damage.
I have come to understand that too often those of us with well developed positive characters try to analyse the motivators or reasons behind another's behaviour, in essence we give them the 'benefit of the doubt' and assume there are many excuses and that if others become 'aware' then change will arise. My H does what he does because he likes it, it rewards him otherwise he would not do it. H likes to rant, to throw thinks, to intimidate me, it rewards him, releases his aggression. That is control.
The only reason H is not controlling all my life and activities is because I have resisted it. Otherwise this H wants a 'we' relationship. Has H isolated me, yes, it has started but my family and friends mean too much to me.
Further more he is not opening the door for change because he does not want to change. The next time H is in a position to interact in these controlling ways, he will because he has chosen too. These are forces he chooses to allow to take him over. It fulfils his purpose. He is full cognisant, not in denial about it, he knows what he is doing. I got a text saying ' I know I have issues, Sorry I have not dealt with them' . If he had wanted to deal with them he would have. He doesn't, so he hasn't.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/21/1510:34 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
