W has been home. She seems to have ended things with OM. Not noticing anything out of the ordinary, then again, I am not home all day while she is. She is taking care of S3 during the day more often, opposed to taking him to her mother's house. She also seems to not be avoiding her family as she used to. She has changed her AA meeting times and is, at least she claims, working with her sponsor a lot more. This is something she was supposed to be doing the entire time. All of her rings are on, engagement, newer (prior to sitch) replacement wedding band, and another one with our son's birth stones. They look good.
Basically, she seems to have come to some realizations. She claims that she realizes that she cannot pursue her A actions because she feels like she was away for our S3 too much, and that she was not going right by me. She feels like she cannot go through with a "custody battle" right now. She feels like she was performing the exact same actions with the A as she was when she was drinking and using (lies, deceit, avoidance, etc.). She realized that no one trusts her given what she has been doing with the chemical dependence and the A and that it is important for her to gain that trust again with everyone.
She was emotional saying the aforementioned things, but I could not tell if she was saying these things because I wanted to hear them, or if she meant them.
We are actually talking about things, problems we have had in the past, where her mind is now. We have been a lot more open with each other. Good, calm, respectful conversations. She feels like a lot of the problems in the past were that I was only interested in a physical relationship with her. I can see this to an extent, though making love came about with very little frequency shortly after getting married. She says that whenever I show any kind of physical affection, rubbing her feet or back, cuddling, that I am expecting to take it further all the time. Not true by any means, but the way she feels.
We actually did make love this past week, it was good. Talked about some things right after. She feels like we would "never talk" before or after any kind of intimacy. That because of this she became overly self conscious about her body and herself. She did have an orgasm, and thought that I thought it was disgusting (apparently always has). I let her know otherwise. That all physical interactions I have with her have an emotional component and I find them to be beautiful, even if I do not say anything immediately afterward. Unfortunately, our S3 decided to interrupt our conversation continuously, so it made it a little more difficult to fully express everything without stops.
Yesterday morning, I was feeling a little frisky, started kissing. She said, "I will if you want me to." I stopped, and said, "I want you to want to." Had a conversation about her comfort level with having a physical relationship with me instead. She mentioned that most of the time she would just make excuses to not make love (I knew this), that a lot of times she feels guilty and just goes with it so "you can get what you deserve," in the sense of a physical relationship. She feels like a lot of the time, she was forced and that I was just there for the sex and nothing else. She says she feels like she has PTSD with me and that she "almost gags." Not sure how she has an orgasm with that mindset. I did validate all of her feelings, reassured her about the emotional and beauty I see in our affections.
She does realize that I do love her, but she does not feel like she can reciprocate, that the love she has for me is more like family or a friend, but not a husband. She says that she enjoys being with me, raising our S3 together, but just cannot get to the physical aspect. She says that there was no passion in our relationship. A lot of what she says, makes it seem like she has not idea what happens in long term relationships, though I am not going to claim myself to know everything. I know I was not always there for her emotionally, though tried. Mounting resentments did cause some issues with both of us. Work and life stressors, they happen.
We have a MC lined up and appointment made. She did mention that with the thoughts/feelings she has, she needs counselling. I made the appointment prior to this conversation. Good thing. Hopefully it helps. She does have an IC that she has not been going to regularly. Hopefully she speaks with him, too.
Overall, I have been assuming this is piecing, correct? We just have some deep issues to overcome. Patience, I do have it normally when I need to.
