For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

[sandi2]

Determined, I hope I was able to address your questions within the post I replied to Alpha. If the couple is still living under the same roof, I believe the H should not finance any of her personal bills, such as: cell phone, beauty salon, manicures and spas, gas for her car, nights out on the town, etc. Some people may argue that those are punitive actions, but that is not the case. All of these things are applied to her wayward lifestyle, and you would be enabling it. Neither is not about control, but it is about you not supporting something that goes against your core values (if it does). If it doesn't, then you need to examine your own heart to see the true motivation behind your actions.

When a couple separates, It can get complicated over finances and scheduling for the kids. She naturally wants to continue the lifestyle she is accustomed to, and really expects you to support it. She wants all the advantages of a M, but without the commitments & responsibilities. That is why I suggest making it official. Otherwise, she will keep you twisted in knots, causing you anguish over how she is spending your money and her control over when you get the kids.

How do you draw the line in making sure the money goes toward the kids instead of her spending it for something else? When you pay a lump sum for child support, I don't think you get to designate how it is spent. She is the admistrator in that home. I don't know where you live, but if you have a lawyer, I am sure he could advise you. To my knowledge, and narrow experience, the W receives the check once a month (or how ever it is set up) and then it is up to her how she manages that money. It can be a bitter pill, but in the long run, I believe it is better to have it automatically drafted and keep you detached from having to actually write out that check and physically handing it over to her. B/c I see it like constantly picking the scab on a wound. It doesn't get better if it continues to bleed.

I have divorce all around me in my family, and have seen it from the woman's side and the man's side. Unfortunatly, both my S & D have now gone through the experience of divorce. I have seen the unfairness, manipulation, and control up close and personal. My advice is to let the legal system make the decision about the child support and also in scheduling the child-parenting calendar. If you don't, it will be a constant source of push-pull irritation. It can cause a rocky road in trying to reconcile later.

The dating issue is certainly a personal decision, and should be based on your own principles/spiritual beliefs. Otherwise, I could see a few advantages in it. However, let me clarify. To get a girlfriend with the intent of making the W jealous is not one of them. This could backfire in your face. Remember me talking about keeping the road back home paved smooth? Well, this can be applied here. Technically, you would be using another person much like a tool to get something you wanted. A person who has feelings, and who just might fall in love with you.......or become possessive and vindictive (think boiling bunny) . What if she got pregnant or you caught a STD? See what I mean? You would be digging some serious potholes in that road back home, You can't play with people to gain your own personal gratification.

Now, some guys have been able to go out and maybe have a friendly, non-intimate type of "date". It can cause jealousy for the W. But is it effective in getting the WW out of her A and back home again? My answer is that the MR has to be built on fabric much stronger than jealousy. In fact, it won't work if that is all they have.

If you are seeking some technique to use in getting your W back, I would discourage you in taking the route of getting a GF.

Hope this helps you.