Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[twinmom]

Think of this like you would a house negotiation.... you make an offer, they come back with counter offer. You need to send her a parenting plan that you would be comfortable with, tell her to make her "requested" changes and send it back. Negotiate this, not just leave it up to her.

I may need some help with the wording of things. I am now thinking I would like to send her an email. Then at least it is stored more permanently than on a phone etc.

Maybe something like this.

Hello W,

I would like to be able to work out with you when it will be possible to for me to spend some time with the children over the coming weeks, whether that is overnight or spending the day(s) with them each week.

Even though this is difficult for both of us, I hope you agree that it is important for the kids to spend time with both parents where possible. Because of the flexibility of my work I can fit things around your shifts at work if need be. I can also available should they need help getting to/from school on weekdays. If we are able to work out an agreement then hopefully it will benefit all of us. Please let me know when you're ready what your thoughts are about this. Alpha.

What do you think?

EDIT: just saw your message above twinmom. Just absorbing it now.

[alpha99]

That's why this site and the advice from you all coming from it is so valuable. I would never have seen things like that myself Twinmom. Excellent idea. Once I am sorted out with exactly what I would like to request from her, I will post it here...in the hope that you kind souls may give it a look over before it goes.

[twinmom]

To me this says, hi I am your doormat and hope that you allow me to see my kids, have pity on me please"

Do NOT be demanding, be firm that you will see them but are willing to do so in the presence of your family if need be to assure your wife they are safe.

(Btw if you haven't noticed I am a "tough love" type person, except when it came to my H.... ugh!)

I may need some help with the wording of things. I am now thinking I would like to send her an email. Then at least it is stored more permanently than on a phone etc.

Maybe something like this.

Hello W,

I would like to be able to work out with you when it will be possible to for me to spend some time with the children over the coming weeks, whether that is overnight or spending the day(s) with them each week.

Even though this is difficult for both of us, I hope you agree that it is important for the kids to spend time with both parents where possible. Because of the flexibility of my work I can fit things around your shifts at work if need be. I can also available should they need help getting to/from school on weekdays. If we are able to work out an agreement then hopefully it will benefit all of us. Please let me know when you're ready what your thoughts are about this. Alpha.

What do you think?

EDIT: just saw your message above twinmom. Just absorbing it now.

EDIT2: I'm just thinking ahead here, but where would I go next if she says get stuffed, as I think would likely be the case if I asked for too much right now.

[Jefe]

Thank you Jefe.... getting off track but I am so happy for you that your marriage is on the upswing! Want to call my H and tell him how you faced your own issues and made yourself a better person? Lol!!!!!!

Anyway, sorry to hijack the thread here.... just wanted to high five Jefe.....

Awe, shucks...

Very sweet.

[Jefe]

I agree, loving firmness is the way to go. Set boundaries, hold them, DO NOT BE RUDE, lovingly affirm the boundaries as needed.

[Sotto]

Hello W,

I'd like us to work out what time I will spend with the children over the coming weeks. I'm missing out on their company right now, and we need to review things. Ideally I would like - specify - with them each week.

Whilst this is a difficult time, It's important for the kids to spend time with both of us. If we can agree a plan, it will hopefully benefit all of us. Please could you let me know your thoughts this weekend. Alpha.


Alpha, I'm not experienced on kid stuff, having just been a stepmum. But, I do think your draft sounds placatory, pussyfooting around - and as though you accept your W is 'in charge' on things related to the kids. And please can you have a think about this. I'm very flexible, available at a moment's notice...grovel.....

So, I've suggested a more direct and assertive approach. Please don't go ahead based on my comments though. I'm sure others will chime in.

Hope this helps! Toots....

[alpha99]

Hi all,

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. They have been most helpful. Here's what I have so far:

-----------------------------------------

Hello W,

I'd like us to work out what time I will spend with the children over the coming weeks. I'm missing out on their company right now, and them of mine, and we need to review things. Here is my suggestion for how things could work out:

Monday: I will not see the kids on this day.

Tuesday: I will pick them up from school, take them to my mum and dad's house (so they can see them too) and have tea with them. I will bring them back to you for 6pm.

Wednesday: I will not see the kids on this day.

Thursday: I will take the kids to school/pick them up from school, and bring them back to you.

Friday: I will pick them up from school and spend the night with them at mum and dad's house.

Saturday: I will take D5 to ballet and/or something fun and return them to you at dinner time.

Sunday: I will not see the kids on this day. Over time we could do a 'family activity' on this day.

Whilst this is a difficult time, It's important for the kids to spend time with both of us. If we can agree a plan, it will hopefully benefit all of us. Please understand the above is an initial suggestion (not a demand). Please could you let me know your thoughts about it this weekend. Thank you. Alpha.

[twinmom]

Take out the part about family activity....
And the part about "letting me know your suggestions" could maybe read more "I would like to start this asap as consistency and routine are good for children in times of uncertainty. I will go forward with this schedule starting Monday, March 23 unless I hear back from you with revisions you would like"

[twinmom]

My responses are going to be sporadic this afternoon.... "working" today, manicure/grocery store and electronics store.......

And if this silly nail tech doesn't ask if the water is too warm I am going to scream.... He [censored] and therefore my report is going to be too long.

[Sotto]

Hi all,

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. They have been most helpful. Here's what I have so far:

-----------------------------------------

Hello W,

I'd like us to work out what time we'll each spend with the children in coming weeks. I'm missing out on their company right now, and they, mine. We need to review things, and here's my proposed plan - feel free to suggest any changes:

Monday: I won't see the kids on this day.

Tuesday: I'll pick them up from school, take them to my parent's house and have tea with them - back to yours for 6pm.

Wednesday: I won't see the kids on this day.

Thursday: I'll take the kids to school/pick them up from school, and bring them back to yours.

Friday: I'll pick them up from school and spend the night with them at my parent's house.

Saturday: I'll take D5 to ballet and spend the day with them - back to yours at dinner time.

Sunday: I won't see the kids on this day. (Over time we could do a 'family activity' on this day...I think this sounds like pursuit and would lose it.)

Whilst this is a difficult time, It's important for the kids to spend quality time with both of us. If we can agree a plan, it will hopefully benefit us all. Please could you let me know your thoughts about it this weekend. Thank you. Alpha.