For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

[Zues126]

Was talking to my friend about this and he came up with an interesting analogy.

Suppose someone had saved up a lot of money over 10-20 years. Then, they became a drug or gambling addict. They might burn through all of their savings, then eventually max out all of their credit lines, doing whatever they needed to for them to keep getting their fix. They might continue until they had no more money, their credit was shot with friends and with creditors, and they had no way left to get their drug of choice. Only then might they hit rock bottom.

Similarly, the love and emotional goodwill of the LBS is like the "savings account". The WW will throw the LBS some GENUINE feelings of conflict, regret, and affection, but the true purpose is so they LBS doesn't "cut them off". The true goal is to be able to avoid consequences and maintain a lifestyle in which they get their fix. They won't stop until the LBS gets tired of the game and genuinely lets go.

In the gambling/drug situation, the moment the other spouse tried to shut off access to the bank accounts, the addict would throw a FIT. The spouse is now a threat to their fix and so they become an enemy, subject to manipulation, rage, abuse, etc. So too with LBS's, the moment they ask for transparency and the requirement to leave OM, etc, the WW kicks and screams and get's really angry about how "they are trying to work on the M but you are making it impossible for me to want to", etc.

BEST THING A LBS CAN DO IS SHUT OFF ACCESS TO THE EMOTIONAL SAVINGS THAT WERE BUILT OVER THE YEARS. DETACH AND DON'T ALLOW YOUR DESIRE FOR R TO AVOID THE REALITY OF WHAT IS GOING ON.

Walk away, GAL, detach, take care of yourself. Maybe WW will bottom out someday. That can't happen unless you make peace and regain your independence, because as long as you NEED the M, the WW will use that to control the situation and avoid reality.