The A notwithstanding, are you just content to cruise through life without a job?
I mean...is that okay with you? We all derive a sense of self-worth from working because we feel we've contributed to society. To me, your W's affair should NOT be the motivating factor in securing a job.
Ha. I appreciate your kick-in-the-butt post. Seriously, I do. But the situation is a little different from what you might expect.
The reason I don't have a job is because my chosen field is highly specialized. My job hunt should be national, or international, but my W had insisted that wherever we moved to, 2.5 years ago, we would be staying and settling there. So we did-- and over the past 2.5 years there have been exactly two appropriate jobs that appeared in this area, and I didn't even get to the first-interview stage for either.
I have four advanced degrees... MFA, MBA, MSc, and PhD. The MSc and PhD are the specialized degrees (Cognitive Psychology) for which there are few openings in this region. My stupidity has been that I have, since moving here, been attempting to "fall back" on the MFA, into *acting and theater*. Which, as I gradually but inevitably learned, pays somewhere between bupkis and squadoo. But that has been my "job search" over the last 2.5 years; throwing myself fruitlessly at penniless theaters and twiddling my thumbs waiting for appropriate and desirable CogPsy work to come along.
So now that I'm actually job hunting-- *actually* job hunting-- I am widening my Psychology search to the national level while attempting to "fall back" on the MBA instead. I never wanted to resort to the MBA because, back when I achieved that degree, I found business and finance work to be desperately unfulfilling. But there are jobs here, and money there, and if that's what I need to do right now to get myself standing and stable then I'm a-gonna doot.
And yeah.. does this sound like someone whose life should be shut down by a WW? Once I get myself in gear it should be pretty doggone obvious that only a fool would leave! (And I already have four different irons burning in their respective fires.)
The saddest part of this, though, is that during this process I have been forced to acknowledge that, in many ways, my W *is* foolish. Mentally and emotionally, she has serious issues, and these issues have only been aggravated by our current situation. Plus, when I look at the financial outcome of a D I'm chagrined to see that, because I've been unemployed, and because my investment accounts have only pre-marriage funds in them, an "equitable distribution" of marital assets means I come out of it doubling my bank while she gets soaked. The sad and plain fact is that, if we divorce, I will come out a better person and I will come out ahead. It seems incredibly likely that I will also find someone who is "better for me", as well. With what W has been and is putting me through, and the positive outcome waiting for me on the other side, and the fact that my mother has my financial back (temporarily), it would make sense to just file the papers and be done with it.
But I am hanging on because I still believe in my commitment to her. This is not out of blind obligation, but because the woman I love is still somewhere in that rotten, foggy shell. I am persisting with this painful charade because, if her love language is Quality Time, then I will not be able to fulfill that need-- not the way I need to, now-- without having the salary to do it. Once I have the means, I expect to give her one solid chance to come out of the fog; not pleading, not begging, not persuading, but a simple choice. If she chooses him, then D papers get filed, and sayonara. If she chooses me, then she's gonna get someone very different from the one she thought she was divorcing, and I'll do my level best to make her happy until I die.
Let's dispense with the white noise and get to the real crux of your situation:
Have you developed a goal in respect to your job search?
Goal: Get a full-time position in [preferred field] with benefits
Sub-Goal: Attend at least 2 to 3 network meetings per week
Sub-Goal: Collect 10 business cards/contacts from each network meeting.
Sub-Goal: Follow-up on each contact within 1-3 days. Ask for leads.
Sub-Goal: Try to secure an interview from those 10 network contacts.
All of this should be a full-time job of yours. Shut out everything else. This is your #1 priority. With all of your degrees, you're bound to find something that matches your qualifications and experience.
Hm! Now that's interesting stuff. My goal for my preferred field is more strongly focused on getting a postdoc position, which is a different process, but I can definitely use your suggestions there for looking for financial work.
...provided I can figure out where to find and attend networking meetings. About which I am clueless.
In the meantime, this morning I was forcibly reminded of one of W's characteristics that I will definitely not miss, and that the OM will be oh-so-delighted to inherit. Namely, that when W is distressed, she will ask for help and then, when I do help, she will heap abuse on me because now I'm in her way ("taking it out" on me).
Specifically, this morning she was so preoccupied online (chatting with OM, I presume) that she lost track of time and only started getting ready at the time she would normally be walking out the door. I was still undressed and in bed.
W: Crap. I need to leave now if I'm going to be on time.
H: Ah, yes, I wondered why you had waited so long.
W: Would you drive me to the train station?
H: I suppose so.
W: Fine. I will call them and tell them I'm going to be late.
H: Oh? Last time I checked, "I suppose so" meant "yes".
W: Yeah, but you said it in a REALLY BITCHY TONE.
H: Huh. Well, if that's how you choose to hear it, I can't help that, but it was simply neutral. [and it really had been.]
She then stomped and glowered and swore at me for some minutes, claiming that she was late because I had done laundry last night ("I can't find anything"), focusing particularly on a sweater that I shouldn't have let go through the dryer and get wrinkled ("I don't have time to find something else. I'll just iron it and ruin it.")
Now, this problem was entirely of her making-- the laundry was done last night, and she could've set out her clothing before she went to sleep. She even woke up two and a half hours early and had plenty of time to find what she needed. She "had no time" this morning solely because she didn't bother to prepare. I had nothing to do with it. And yet she was furious, and was determined to direct that fury at me and make this my fault. Plus, after she specifically asked me to help, she attacked me for every single thing I said or did. I'm not exaggerating. Every single thing I said or did-- even when I was just standing there ("Get out of the %*&# way")-- was answered with a vicious attack. And then she deliberately chose to "ruin" her sweater and blame me for it instead of finding a positive solution.
THIS IS HER NORMAL BEHAVIOR. The only difference between pre-A and post-A is that, previously, once she'd calmed down, she would come back to me and apologize for being unreasonable and irrational. Now, instead, she will hold on to that anger and convince herself that I am at fault for ruining her morning (and her sweater).
So this time was actually a bit strange for me. Because normally, when she would do this, I would protest that I was trying to help but nonetheless let myself be victimized and unhappy. This time I found myself challenging her instead: "You can't blame me for this." "Ooh, the glowery face." "Look, you can believe I was being 'bitchy' or you can be on time. It's totally your choice." Throughout, I found myself matching her anger with bemusement. When she ultimately did accept the ride, I completely ignored her hostility and made small talk. (Which she did respond to.) In all, I felt... well, detached. Her ranting and raving had nothing to do with me, and I had no responsibility to feel badly about her poor planning or to try to make her feel any better. I didn't provoke her, and I didn't attack her, but I didn't let her get away with it either. It's somewhat liberating, but also disappointing, because it's yet another reason why I probably should just let her go.
And, unsurprisingly, exactly what I predicted happened.. because of yesterday morning's altercation, she "punished" me by staying overnight at OM's place. I noticed this morning that she had already been planning to do that when she left yesterday, because she took her glasses with her (she needs to take out her contacts each night).
My response has been to put sheets and pillows on the living-room futon and move enough of her stuff into the living room that it will be clear that that is now where she's sleeping. When she does stay here. If she does stay here. And her absence doesn't seem to bother me so much right now. At least, not in the same way. I actually feel more relaxed and happy when I don't have to confront her in the morning. It's bothersome just because this situation is still distracting from my job hunt with intrusive ruminative thoughts, with the difference that now instead of ruminating about how I might restore the marriage with some kind of Hail Mary maneuver I'm ruminating about how I can just get it over with.
I don't think it will be saved. I think it will be over. Because I know myself, and I believe what I've read (online and offline and on this board). If what I've read is true, she will not come out of her A until she recognizes the losses she has created for herself. If the statistics are correct, she has an 80% chance of regretting her decision, and her relationship with OM has a 3-7% chance of success with a 75% chance of divorce after that-- especially because I've learned a hell of a lot from this experience and she has learned nothing. If my math is correct, she is wiping out all her financial gains from the past six years, and it will take her at least another 8 years to restore her assets to the same level-- and that's provided she lives just as frugally as we have been for our years together, which of course she will not do (if only for now having the "freedom" to buy whatever she wants). She won't notice this right away, because she'll have some money in the bank. In fact, she may treat that money like a windfall, and blow it. But if she doesn't blow it, then gradually, as that stash stubbornly and persistently dwindles, she'll be forced to start seeing it.
But none of this will happen unless we actually D and go. And by the time she figures it out I'll be long gone. I don't get sentimental about past relationships, and there's too much that's negative about taking her back to let it be made worse by what more she will do with OM when she's finally single. If she were to turn around before the D goes through, then I would be willing to take her back (with the requirement of doing the work that Sandi so wonderfully illustrated in her thread). But the moment the D happens and she moves out, I'll be done with her.
Okay, now, this is going to be interesting. W has not set foot in our place since Thursday morning-- it's now Friday night. She probably will stay overnight at OM's again tonight, and even though she plans to come get the car tomorrow she may not bother to come up inside. Hell, she might not come back until Sunday night.
Which means that it may be a while before she discovers that I have moved all her clothes, all of her things, and the main chest-o-drawers out of the bedroom and into the living room.
One of two things is going to happen when she does find out. Either she's going to realize that yes, this makes sense, or (more likely) she's going to be unbelievably pissed that I did this without consulting with her. But I don't think there's any answer to her anger other than "do I really need to explain this?" and, if she demands an explanation, nothing more than "I did this two days ago and you're only just now finding out."
Ah ha! Thank you! I knew there was something I was overlooking.
I mean, this is now the second overnight in a row she's spent at OM's place (she called me at 11:30 to see if I would come get her with the car, and I declined, so she just stayed there and didn't bother to take public transportation). And here on the one hand I'm thinking this is ludicrous and intolerable and disrespectful and I should just file for the D and get it over with...
...and on the other hand I'm wondering, should I bother? The only thing she's *really* doing to make my life miserable is ignoring me, basically. If I don't care about not having her love and attention, then I don't need to take action just because her physical absence reminds me that she's emotionally gone. And, if I don't care about her behavior, isn't it more important to use my time to get myself together than to waste it dealing with legal and financial hassles?
And if she's living in the living room, then there can't be a repeat of Thursday morning, because if she gets a late start then she'll have her vicious ranting all to herself (and won't drag me into it). If I fall asleep before she comes home, and don't bother to wake up until after she's gone, then I won't even notice she's [not] there.
So yeah. What am I doing?
For the past two weeks I've been using meetup.com to get myself out and busy, and that has been great, so I'm going to keep an eye on more events that come up. What these do, mainly, are to help me detach, because these events remind me that there is plenty of life out there. So this builds happiness and confidence.
Teaching my acting class is fantastic, because it reminds me that I'm damn good at what I do.
And I am getting a freakin' job. As I've said, that's my tip-top priority. In addition to the writing and research I am doing to pursue postdoctoral positions, I am making it a goal that every day I will actively reach out to someone, somewhere, to make a job inquiry. Really, this, more than anything else I can do for myself personally, is the critical factor in making it foolish to leave me. Our MC told me, privately, that she believes that W, despite her bluster, still recognizes that I'm a good person and a worthy companion-- but the affair fog makes it quite impossible for W to imagine what the future could be like with me. And until I has job, that whole future is nothing but imaginary.
