Thanks Sage - good to hear from you, I have been reading your thread - really helpful. The BN tapes have a meditation where you imagine a difficult situation you are in with someone or something, then you imgaine another person coming to the door - a spiritual person such as Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Mohammed, God and so on - and then you imagine that this peron takes your place in your body and "handles" the situation..... This came to my mind during my discussion with H. regarding OW - and i imagined Mary (yeah I am Catholic

O ) taking my place for that moment and how she might handle and it made me able to listen COMPASSIONATELY and this is what turned the conversation itself around.

Ok, I wanted to sort of journal here and mention some positive and things I read after I posted last night.

1) No Negative Expressions to H.: IN my book on Solo Partners -> he notes that a relationship in trouble cannot handle the expression of more negative emotion. For some reason, this really hit me, it's like we are a social system under stress, and we cannot absorb any more hurt and anger. I need to remind myself of this daily as we move (crawl ) forward.

The author, much like Michele WD, suggests venting to friends and dealing with negative emotion in other ways. I think I have made the mistkae that b/c H. said he was recommitted, we were going to WORK on the R. and that means sharing in my book (yeah, part of my past problem - way too much sharing and pursuing, he distances).

2) Old Brain Behavior- I have been making changes in my interaction style - dealing with emotional reactivity issues and my blaming issues - according to Solo Partner author, the more changes you make the other partner will at first resist these changes and escalate problems. It's OLD BRAIN on his end...he is uncomfortable with the lack of conflict, and that Old Brain stem wants to fight.

Then I in turn reacted to his reaction... and that is why I have been such a wreck, in part, since then. My Old Brain, wants to fight or flee...it wants to DO something. I think just knowing this and having a plan of action in advance will make a big improvement for me.

3) Reconnection thread - I read Snodderly's reconnection post. I am starting to see physical changes in H., good ones, this is really interesting then b/c I thought it wa "weird" that my H. had such a notable physical change - tight face, narrow eyes, clenched fists, during the time he eas unsure of us..but it is not. His face is more relaxed now his eyes brighter....(hey and I look better after losing 15 pounds in 8 weeks -LOL!!)

Positives:

1) I have fantastic friends! Male and female who have helped me through this. I didn't tell our families and had to choose wisely with friends b/c we are connected through work. So, went to old girl friends....I knew I had great friends, but had become isolated with H. in many ways, only doing stuff with him. One goal is to not lose this connection with my good girl friends in particular.

2) I am learning to get control of my own emotions, somehting I have never had much of. And interestingly, something I resent my mother for....she is more reactive than I am so I think I felt ok to point the finger....hello! I am thankful to have this chance to learn this.

3)H. is out of town and I have handled one situation well - he sounded distant on the phone when we talked and I had a panic moment. Old me would have said, "What is wrong?" blha balha blaha and basically started a fight. I remained upbeat and got off the phone before he did. He called again later, had good conversation, then he told me he would not be able to talk to me until Fri. evening. I basically said GREAT! Looking forward to it, hope your talk goes well ! and so on. And my voice was sincere. And so we all know what happened...he called me at 7 AM before he left. I am happy he called, but the important point is that I had a handle on myself.

Celine
PS: Has anyone ever heard from Expecting In MD again? I have been wondering how she is..she is due with a baby. My guess is she has had it now.....