For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

[sandi2]

I wonder how many others have done things so wrong in the beginning of a S that they have pushed the balance of power regarding kids, decision making etc to the WAW who it seems should be the one outcast from the family setting for her actions, not relocating it and having the LBH be outcast.

You can read the scores of threads about other LBH'S who made terrible blunders out of fear and desperation. If only they could see from her eyes just how pathetic they make themselves. The LBH who reacts in this type of manner is so removed from the man he was when she first fell in love with him.

I'm going to be terribly blunt with you, and hope anyone reading on will learn from your mistakes, b/c you have made some serious ones. I have to ask if you would want to spend your life with a woman who emotionally abused you? B/c that is what you are doing to her when you threaten suicide if she doesn't do what you want. Do you think it appeals to her sympathy? Do you want her to stay out of pity for you, or in fear of what you may do to yourself? Can you see this being a form of control? I hope you are serious about not ever trying something like that again.

I believe most women would see any kind of threat from the man as him controlling her. You said you threatened to expose her A. Did you expose it or just threaten her? I sent a post earlier about keeping the road home paved smoothly, and explained how I do not believe that means for a man to be a doormat, afraid to upset his WW. Let me add that any form of abusive behavior from the H definitely makes for a rocky road back home. You probably cringe when I use the word abuse, but you have to stop with the threats. No woman will fall into the arms of the man who threatens her.

WW's will use two primary cards with their LBH's. One is guilt, and the other is control. She guilts the H in manipulating him to do whatever she wants. If he clamps down on her, she claims he is controlling. I have not read your thread, so I don't know what all has taken place. Perhaps she is the worst b'tch to walk the planet, IDK. But I do know that these actions from you are "controlling", and now she can legitimately use both cards to play against.

You can be an example for any of the LBS, b/c both men and women have done the same as you. I don't know how recently this all took place, but now you are concerned now about how to approach or face her when you go to get the kids.

Let me lump you and any other LBH'S together when I say you need to stop with the antics. They don't work, and you can make matters much worse. Which, considering she's in an A, moved away with the kids, and has the upper hand.......seems questionable, right? It's true, though, you can be your own worst enemy. The LBH can louse things up by trying all kinds of gimmicks to get her back. Ironically, it is when he drops all of that stuff and leaves her alone that works better than anything. Just stop trying to get her back, b/c it is causing you to do bad things.

Use the time you are leaving her alone to turn yourself into an attractive, confident man who doesn't have to beg someone to love him. Grow as person and build a new life. If the two of you get back together some day, you can introduce her to your new friends and interesting activities. Please don't let your eyes just skim over these words. It is said so much here on the board until I wonder if men tune it out. They are looking for something quicker and easier. Drop the rope you have around her, change yourself, and get a life.

Also, get a lawyer! This goes for you and some others who asked about scheduling child visitstion and what the H is responsible for financially. You need legal advice and assistance or you may lose your kids. I don't know where you live but find someone who will fight for your rights as a father. Have a legal appointed child support amount you pay, and a schedule for when each parent has the kids. I know that some couples try to work this out without legal help, but a lot of WW's take advantage and punish the H through these two avenues (money and kids). And, a lot of LBH'S use their own children, consciously or subconsciously, as an excuse to contact the W......or even punish her. Don't be a slave to her demands, her time schedule, or her calendar. Don't allow her to bully you. The fair thing to do is have it all in writing and have an outside source, preferably legal, to enforce if necessary.

As for how to act when coming face to face, again I suggest you avoid it if you can. At least until you feel more confident. Don't be afraid to face her, but avoid it as an opportunity to interact with her, right now. You need to pull back as far as possible. For example, if you go to get the kids to take to school, can you wait in the car for them?

I know things must look very dark, but you can turn yourself around, and in time she could be attracted to the new you. It would almost be as if she were meeting a new person and learning to trust him.....only harder. This is will take a long time to really change, and longer for her to fully believe it will last. Plus, she has work on her side of the street, too.

I want to offer you hope, yet I want you to realize it will take longer than you think.