Introduction - least creative title

[Closer2]

The past few days have been a rollercoaster. W has not been staying at the house and has been coming back early to watch our D while I take S to school and go to work. When I get home we eat dinner then she heads off to her mother's house.

Yesterday, felt good. Like was getting a handle on detaching. I was focused and not affectionate to her when I got home. Reviewed what homework needed to be finished before bed, spelling test words, etc. Ate by myself then went outside to play with the kids. W hugged and kissed the kids goodbye then started to leave. I told her goodbye as she was walking away. She turned around and said "why are you being so distant?" I told her I didn't mean to be distant. I just wanted to make sure everything was ready for tomorrow morning. Then started playing with D on the swing. She left.

W started texting me while I was getting the kids to bed. I think she gave them espresso or speed because they did not want to go to sleep. I was stressing out and I had her texting me at the same time. I should have put the phone in a drawer, but I didn't. After short answers and her asking me to just talk to her, I sent a message that was too long. Far too much information about how I understand that I made mistakes, understand how important good communication is in a M, want to remain good parents, etc.

She asked me to call her and I did. It was stupid, I had a perfect excuse to not call her and I still called. It's hard not to, but I should know better by now.

I discussed how the kids miss her when she is gone (they really do miss her) and she is welcome to stay a night or two during the week (dumb!). I also discussed co-parenting articles I had read and some recommendations for difficult children. She quickly announced that she would like to stay at home more during the week, but she does not want to be physical anymore. I didn't even bring up sex. She knows that is a trigger for me. I like sex and she looks better now than I can remember. Damn my pants!

It bothered me that she took the conversation in that direction. It bothered me because I'm a master of the covert contract (NMMNG is awesome, btw). I know I shouldn't even want to have sex with someone that is in an affair, but I do. It was disappointing to hear she wants to put a stop to it, but I realize it's not good for either of us to keep at it.

She then started to spew a bit and said she feels no love or affection for me. That she never felt the way a wife should feel for her husband. I listened and did my best to validate when I thought it was appropriate. Told her I could understand that it's hard for her to remember the good times we had and the positive feels she had due to where we are today.

She then said that she never had the spark that is true love with me. I attempted to explain that love is not something magical, but a decision. We both made the decision not to nurture love in our M. I feel I was more articulate than that, but it didn't matter to her.

I changed the subject back to the kids and told her to have a good night. I had done enough damage at that point and was ready to head the sack.

This morning, so tells me to have a good day and that she has a birthday part for a friend tonight. A friend that her OM is friends with. OM lives a few hours away, but I know I would make the trip if I was him.

She sent me a text this afternoon saying that she does not want to stay at the house at all. Wants us to be platonic and start respecting the custody arrangements of the decree. I waited an hour to reply and just said "I agree".

Bad mistakes from my end. Definitely having a hard time dethatching. Going to have fun with D this weekend. I will take her to the American Girl Store and to a movie. We will have a blast.