For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

[sandi2]

To continue further along on the subject of letting the WW back into the MR too easily (or without her going through the process of working to rid herself of the waywardness, as discussed in my last post). I think we see many H's who are so focused on just getting his W back, that he wants to make it as easy as possible for her return. In doing so, he takes her back without her changing anything about herself. He has worked on himself, but she has changed nothing. Maybe she said she ended the A, but she still has resentment, disrespect, and rebellion in her heart.

One of the popular sayings on the board is to "keep the road home paved smooth". I don't argue with it, however, I do get concerned at how many men jump on that one cliche' and use it as their defense to not taking bolder moves. Some newcomer men are "nice guys" and they are already filled with fear. If he is given advice that might challenge him, he begins looking for something that "permits" a more passive position. Therefore, he grabs this "keeping the road paved smooth" as his game plan. He applies it in every response to his wife's waywardness, disrespect, recklessness, and selfishness. In other words, he uses this as his slogan and as his excuse in not applying any sort of tougher love approach, b/c in reality, the whole tough love idea scares them. They want to interpret it as saying, "It is okay to be the doormat, and nice her back into the MR".

Out of respect to 25yrsmlc and any other board members who give the advice of keeping the road paved smooth, I feel the problem may be in how some of the readers want to interpret it, and not necessarily the intended message given. I have my interpretation of "keeping the road home paved smooth", and I do not see it as a ticket for weak behavior from the LBS. Just as one example, would be when the LBS chooses to get involved in another relationship. That could cause enough barriers to prevent the wayward spouse returning to the M. That possibility should be considered if the LBS should decide to start dating (assuming there is a physical separation).

A WW does not have to live apart from the LBH to classify as wayward. She can emotionally leave the M. Maybe she hasn't dropped a bomb, but the H discovers there is OM somewhere in the picture. From what we read here on the board, the majority of WW's will drop the bomb if she is confronted. If the H confronts the WW, he needs to be prepared to hear that she wants a D......statements that she gave up years ago, yada, yada.

So, how does a H know if he is making it too easy for his WW to come back into the MR? There are some telling signs. She doesn't want counseling, she doesn't want to cooperate in a transparency plan, she doesn't want to do anything to change herself, and she has the audacity to tell the LBH he will just have to trust her. She may shed a couple of tears (which aren't for the H, btw, they are her self-pity tears), but she has no deep remorse for what she has done. She expects him to be able pick up where the MR was left.

Don't take offense with this description, but the wayward mindset is like a disease that eventually affects those around her, dealing with the fallout of her actions. The emotional stress for those who live within the same household, can be devastating. It may be all about her, but it affects the entire family. For the WW, or her H, to act as if she has suddenly snapped out of this disease could be fatal for their MR. I really wish the LBH'S would lose the notion of doing some technique to snap their WW right back into the R. I do believe there are things he can do that would yank her out of the fog pretty quickly, but it should be within that narrow time slot immediately upon discovering her A, confrontation, or the bomb drop. Usually by the time he finds the DB board, he admits to the crying, begging, etc. He continues waiting around, hoping it will just work itself out, as her waywardness gets worse. He tries some of this and some of that, until he has waited too long to have the same effect as it would have initially.

Her wayward mindset is the biggest problem in this entire ordeal. The longer she sees him waiting, the more secure she feels that he can be her fallback plan. As long as she feels she has him under her control (emotionally attached), why should she change anything? The old W would have appreciated him standing for their M, but once waywardness takes over, she sees his standing more as a barrier to her happiness. It will be after she weathers the storm of waywardness that her appreciation for her H will be felt.

Let's say the WW tells the H she decided she'll stay in the M if ___________(fill in the blank). In other words she gives him her conditions. Amazing! Remember, he is so focused on getting her back and busting a D, that her conditions sounds okay to him. He figures it buys him time and they can work out their differences later. But for whatever reason she has decided to stay, (usually some form of pressure......like finances) it does not take care of those three main conflicts stirring within her all the time. Resentment, disrespect, and rebellion will come forth in only a matter of time, b/c she has not worked to resolve those issues.

Her resentment becomes intolerable for her, and her lack of respect
for her H eats away like a cancer. Her rebellion has not gone away, either. It nags her and tempts on every hand. Even if she made an effort to end her A, these three issues are supplying her with plenty of excuses to contact OM again, or to go out and party all night, or maybe surf some dating sites, whatever may beckon her to act inappropriately. Some women are better actresses or can cover-up better than others, but it usually doesn't take long for the H to see their MR still has big problems. These three issues cannot be swept under the rug. In fact, I believe they are intensified if she gets back into the M too easily.

In order for her to become who she once was, that waywardness has to die all the way down to the root. It is very unpleasant for her, and it is a process much like pregnancy, labor, and giving birth (which that takes nine months, and this may take longer). My point is it can't happen overnight. She can't just "snap" back to being like she was before she had all this mess in her heart, no more than she can spit a baby out the minute she conceives. She has to go through the morning sickness, the cravings, and the burden. She has to deal with misery. Then comes the real pain.....LABOR! She thinks she's dying! It's too hard. She can't do it, and wants to give up. She has to keep pushing, with the whole sweat & tears stuff, until she accomplishes this birthing process. So goes the process for the WW's.

This process is necessary for her to become even similar to the W you recognize as loving in the past. She will respect her H, and she can once again have those loving feelings for him. She can earnestly reach out to her children and work to repair the hurt the caused them (as much as humanly possible). Her attitude/heart will be receptive and cooperative to his transparency plan. She welcomes the opportunity to prove herself as being trustworthy. She is willing to get help through counseling or M programs, and do whatever is necessary to piece together a strong MR with her H.