Uno

[Mighty]

Matt- Yes, we will get through and be better! We are getting there... always a work in progress, right? How is your d? I hope she is doing better. I think that sometimes just having the opportunity go let your feelings known allows for a sense of relief. Hopefully it has helped her some by addressing her feelings.

Live- great to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well. I am so glad for that. I am not really sure how my writing helps, but I do like to. I'd like to do do it more. It's a good outlet for me.

GB, you always make me smile! Glad you had a good work trip. Ready for another, right?! (Minus the work!)

Shining- thanks for your endless support. You're my girl. Dig the flannel too. D14 actually bought a flannel the other day. OMG!

Great to hear from you TSquared. You have made an amazing transition into your "new" life (for lack of a better word). And acceptance is a hurdle. I find that it is happening in bits, for me. Some things are easier to accept than others. I know exactly what will be the most difficult for me. I am avoiding right now... dealing with the bearable. And yeah, doing this without answers- makes it tricky. My mind tends to mess with me about that. So- realizing they won't come- is the first step. But, in a way, xh's respite here helped in a way with some answers. I have a better idea of "things" as skewed as they are. Some ways it makes it more difficult and confusing- like how "miserable" he was and relieved to be away from hww... yet appears like an addictive drug that he can't resist.

From Cali:

So ... yeah .. I LOVED that post, you wear it on your sleeve and I totally dig that about you .. .there is not a doubt about where you stand regardless ... that trait is kick a$$ honestly. This is as about as centered as I can recall reading on you in some time .. and that's just a great thing.

Ya know, Cali... I have been having a hard time accepting any type of compliments- especially these days. But, I am going to take this as a compliment. And, I am very flattered. Thank you.

uR- you really had me thinking. Well, like you unveiled some things for me. This:

When you take a step back, it isnt necessarily a bad thing. It just means that you needed to revisit a feeling in order to let it go. It isnt a setback. It is a what you need to do in order to move forward. All part of this process. It's when you live there, that causes you to be stuck.

Hadn't quite thought of it like that, but it makes sense. And, it is a relief to think of it like that. The reality of it too is that I can feel that it is also true. Letting go of things helps to process others. Just like the more of a puzzle you complete, the easier it gets.

I dont agree with you about you moving thruogh this with less grace than others, M. To me, you have acted with courange and dignity through some horrific things.

uR, this one was huge. And, it made me think about how you would tell me that I am being hard on myself. I never understood how I was being hard on myself. But, when you said this ^^^, I saw it. I realized, that I may not be the textbook definition of graceful, but I have handled a lot of this well. I thought about my interactions w xh. I chose to take the high road w him. When he would get angry or try to poke at me, I did not engage. And, I have grown tremendously in how I respond and interact with people because of this. And, even during the time when hww was having the baby, I was supportive to xh, encouraging, and would tell him that she is a blessing in his life and that he will have many happy memories to make w her and things like that. Yeah, I've had moments, but it's OK. I'm allowed to be human, after all. I have been hurt like never before. And w hww... lets just say she is lucky I've grown so freaking much.

Thanks, uR, for helping me grow.

Gwen:

You are doing really well but that can be hard to see when you are in the center of the storm. For a long while things were required of you to just get through the day. H's presence required certain coping strategies. Now that some things have happened it is kind of like after a funeral when everyone else has gone back to their lives. You remain but the have to do it list is not required so dealing with the grief takes on a different tone.

Right on, Gwen. It is hard to see from inside the storm. That's why I knew I needed some space from xh. And I think right now, he doesn't know how to step outside of the storm. And, for me, getting away from it has brought so much clarity. Lots to go... and clean up from the storm's damage continues. But, it's happening. That's the good thing. And this Gwen:

Gracious Mighty know that you have been acting from a place of love for your family and your marriage.

That gave me the same realization as what uR posted. I thought, yeah, that is so true. All my emotions and feelings came from my love for my family and marriage. Yes, I did whatever I could for this. That is so smart yet simple. I loved my marriage. I would have done anything to save it. Can't be done alone.

The thought I had yesterday was how much I loved my husband. I loved him so much. Was so in love with him. Was totally attracted to him. In my eyes, there was no other man on the planet who could compare to him. I would have done anything in the world for him and for us. My husband is gone. He isn't with hww. That is not my husband. And I don't want that guy. She can have him. I got the best of him. I have those memories (and those dances, right, Shining?!). It's all good. I can find peace in this.

vge- You are right. Those 20 years are a part of me. I learned so much in those years. I have lots to be grateful for to xh. He taught me things I will know for the rest of my life. I have memories and most of my best moments with him. They are wonderful memories which I will forever cherish. vge, please know that I think of you often. Your grace and dignity are to be admired. You help me keep perspective. You are in my prayers and I appreciate you checking in on me.

Thanks everyone. You are the best. You have played an integral role in helping me get through the most difficult days in my life. I hope I can help you all in some way someday.