Claire learning to accept

[labug]

It is defensive. But we all try to protect ourselves in that way. It's a part of the process. I was such a defensive prig when I first came here and people called me on it often. I didn't like it much (surprise!) but it opened my mind and my heart.

My defensive nature didn't just exhibit itself with my H. It was there in all my Rs to a greater or lesser extent.

Several times you bring up your H and what he's doing or not doing. Those things don't have to drive your response. This really isn't about your R with your H, it's about your R with you.

Learning to be who you want to be.

It's daily work for me to keep control monster at bay. It gets easier but I'm often asking myself, did anyone ask me for help? will it be a catastrophe if I don't intervene? what's my motive here?

I'll admit that many times my motive is, I want to be right!

If after checking yourself you decide the jacket is still a good idea, how about, H, let me grab her jacket for you. If he declines, say OK, have fun. If she gets really cold, he'll deal with it however he deals with these things. If she's cranky, maybe next time he'll rethink that jacket. He has lessons to learn. Let him learn them.

If you respond to this, try to do it from your POV completely, what you can do, leaving out what he did or didn't do.

A little exercise I learned from my IC: State what you don't want in a R.

Now turn that around to what you want.

Then address what of that you control:
eg. I want a R in which I'm heard.
To have a R in which I'm heard, I must be present. I must listen and hear.

Good luck, Claire. You have come a long way.