I'm Just done... This has only gotten uglier... for all of you that have said to detach... I think I finally have, because the woman my W is now I don't want to have anything to do with. I know that a lot of you have said that this all takes time... I'm not convinced that is the case here, I think that in the end my W has had multiple A. She is in love with the current man half a world away, and is firmly committed to D.
I just read this, and Sandi's thread about wayward wives you posted above. I was amazed to read what she wrote about her heart turning very cold and selfish, with so many negative angry furious feelings toward her husband and marriage, and how thrilling and addictive her affair was.
I guess this is how your wife is now, addicted to her current Australian, and committed to blowing up your marriage. This makes me so sad for you. But maybe realizing it is what has helped you to finally become so detached.
I found myself "done" in an instant of time, after DBing for 5 years, with the click of a door lock. I was knocking on my ex's bedroom door and instead of answering me, or even telling me to go away, he locked the door. I think maybe he was having skype sex with the Russian, or from what I now know of her, maybe they were arguing. And in an instant I went from desperately in love with him to sick of him and his affairs and nastiness and.....done, is the only way I can describe it. If this is how you feel, it will precipitate a new time of healing for you. The pain will not instantly go away, but you will learn to deal with it better, and grow stronger and get happier. Joy will return to your life. You will be the best dad you can be and help your girls cope too.
Originally Posted By: Andy
I'm coming out of his with my head held high a lot better of a person then when I started. But this divorce has not been busted by any means.... In fact is has gotten so hostile on her side that we have jumped off the cliff and there is no turning back.
So sorry to hear things have become this bad Andy. But this is what the vets mean when they say that DBing is for YOU, that you should consider your (old) marriage dead, and become the best person you can, but for yourself, not with the motivation to win your wife back. My first marriage counselor told me exactly how to DB my ex, without calling it DBing, and told me that if I would follow his instructions, even if I was unable to save my marriage, I would become the best possible person I could be in my next relationship. Of course I did not want to hear that at the time, but it turned out to be true. I am in a wonderful relationship now with a man whom I truly respect and admire, and who cherishes me.
And this is you now Andy. The man only a fool would leave. Well your wife is a fool. I still hope and pray that she sees the error of her ways and wants you back. You are so detached that she would have to change a lot for you to take her back now, and that is a good thing. You do not want to return to the same marriage, but only to a much better one, either with her or with someone else.
And if you have really jumped off the cliff, you will find you have a parachute in us, who will give you moral support as you heal and get stronger, and in all you have learned about the 180s you needed to make, about love languages, validating, and meeting your partner's needs, to become that wonderful supportive man only a fool would leave. You will be the man Sandi speaks of, a man who is worthy of respect and attraction. And furthermore, a nurse
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
