Onwards and upwards.

[Mozza]

Hey Barry - Good on your for continuing to open up and progress in your thoughts and emotions.

It's late so I'll be short. I'm concerned that I see some of the Old Barry popping up. My main concern is that you're now trying to reject her to make up for her rejection of you. You're hurt so you find reasons to say that you don't want her after all. I myself came quite close to this a week ago when thinking out loud about whether my W is a serial cheater that can't be trusted. I know that this feeling keeps coming up in me: "She was worse than me and I'm the one who should be rejecting her." And you're going further by almost giving up on your sitch (the typical newcomer after a few months, I seem to observe with time).

Uncertainty is very difficult to bear for the human mind. Learning to live with uncertainty is apparently a key sign of intelligence. In our case, this uncertainty about our M is some of the hardest to accept and manage. We want an out all of the time: we want her to turn around right now, we temp check to see if she wants us after all, we are pessimistic and claim it's done, we decide that WE don't want to R, etc. Anything to take us out of this uncertainty, much like the person who says: "Just tell me today that I have cancer, I can't wait for the test results another day", even though it doesn't make sense.

So I encourage you to think whether you can step back a little and accept that you don't know the future. That leaving your options open holds more promises for you. You don't know if your W will change her mind about you (did you know she was going to leave you?). You don't know what she'll reflect upon in the coming year about her personal changes. You don't know where your mind will wander during the same period. You don't know. Try to ban the "always" and "never" from your thoughts, recognizing the principle of impermanence, the same one that has brought this unexpected S in our lives.