where do I start. There's no hope for my M, which some days I'm OK with and others not. I'm really just looking for support to keep up my strength as the legal process gets underway.
We got married WAY too fast. He proposed in 5 months, and we were married 10 months later. We're both currently in our late 20s and have been M for 2.5 years, together for about 3.5 years total.
He moved out 6 weeks ago, saying he wanted to separate while we went through counseling to "see IF this can work." But 2 weeks in, he wanted to be on the divorce track instead.
After we separated, my IC suggested.... and it literally is the story of my life (and his). It FINALLY gave me insight into what went wrong: I'm a Love Addict/codependent and he's a Love Avoidant but also very Passive Aggressive with narcissistic tendencies. I know what I did wrong from the get-go, and I really do take responsibility for my actions. However, I spent the entire 3.5 yr relationship accepting ALL the blame -- literally ALL of it, and I'm extremely sick and tired of it.
He convinced me I had an "anger problem" and a few months ago urged me to go to IC to get help (which I did). He made me out to me a monster, unbearable to live with, needy and "crazy" -- and he was the constant "victim." After all, how could anyone lash out at the calm, steady, low-key "Mr Perfect" who never expresses anger and is always so logical and responsible about everything???
He never ever forgave me for ANYTHING and kept a running list of every f*ing thing I did, which he used as a weapon in future fights and during counseling. I'm amazed at the things he remembered and the "spin" he put on past events to uphold his position as the "victim" and me as the "crazy" one with the "anger problem".
He NEVER apologized for ANYTHING, ALWAYS blamed me for all our issues, and REFUSED to listen/accept/understand/have compassion/sympathy/etc for my feelings or take responsibility for anything. He stonewalled -- can't even count the times he folded his arms, yawned, closed his eyes OR refused to stop watching TV, get off his phone/laptop when I tried calmly sharing how he hurt me -- dismissed how I felt and never validated me.
The dismissing happened even with reasonable requests. For example, he never EVER gave me compliments, NEVER told me I was beautiful or pretty (and I am!). Countless times I asked: "I really need to hear you think I'm beautiful, will you please say it?" His response: "I don't like saying stuff like that. It's not me." OR "OK fine" just to get me to shut up, but then NEVER EVER do it. I eventually just gave up.
He was very controlling. I felt like I was living in a dictatorship, not an equal partnership. Literally looked through my phone SEVERAL times a week. Controlled all the finances. ALL of our mutual friends were HIS friends before we met, but he HATED my closest girlfriends, criticized them constantly and repeatedly asked why I was friends with them (like it was a reflection on me that I associated with them). We had sex everyday (yes, everyday), but on HIS terms--it "turned him off" when I "came on too strong or aggressive." I literally felt like he married me, not for a relationship, but to "own" me like an object. Like having a W was on his check-list of life accomplishments as a man.
He was also very critical of me, even when it didn't involve him directly or my "anger problem." I'm an outspoken and opinionated person who's not afraid to stand up for myself (which I've taken too far many times, and I feel terrible about that and have been trying to change). He criticized me for the way I interacted with other people, when I gossiped with friends about something he didn't think was appropriate, for being "too opinionated about everything" and even for getting "too excited" when watching football games (because I "hadn't been a fan of that team for very long")!!!
Don't get me wrong-we had many, many good times together and really did love each other (whatever "love" means). And everything I mentioned above only got worse as time went on, as his "record of my wrongdoings" grew, unforgiveness continued, and anger and resentment toward me deepened. But...I clung onto the good times and feelings of "love" to fuel the denial I was living in, even weeks after he left.
During the 1st 1.5 years of our relationship, his stonewalling/dismissiveness/blaming/never taking responsibility and utter emotional unavailability ENRAGED me. I tried many, many different ways/approaches to stand up for myself and be heard, but his response was ALWAYS "don't put the blame on me! YOU'RE the one with the problem" or "that's not how I meant it, so your feelings are wrong" or "stop trying to control me."
But things changed for me when we went to MC two years ago. He did the usual "she's got a problem," and when it was my turn, I took responsibility for my actions and the voiced my feelings of being unheard, dismissed. When we got home, I was reprimanded for "dominating the counseling session" and he said he wouldn't tolerate my attempts to "distract from the REAL issue: me and my anger." After 6 sessions, we stopped going because he felt the C was ineffective (she was kind of a dud, really) and a "man hater."
From that point on, I changed. I felt the only way to keep the peace and my M was to work on my "anger problem", and then once I got it resolved, I could come back later and address how he makes me feel. After all, if I stopped getting angry -- his No. 1 complaint -- then he'd eventually be open to hearing my side and all would be dandy, right?
WRONG!
I really wanted to stop getting angry, and while I definitely could've done more, I truly did the best I knew how at the time. And I frankly WAS changing, and did have successful moments when I resisted my angry urge. Looking back, I am definitely NOT the same person I was when we first married. And I'm proud of myself for that.
But...he NEVER recognized that. He expected an overnight fix. He literally said "If you love me, you'd just stop and never do it again." But I'm an f*ing human being, and I can't change overnight. And I didn't. I paid greatly for it.
During the final 2 years of our relationship, I tried so, so, so hard to be a good wife and "earn back his love." Looking back, that only made it worse. He distanced more and more, his passive-aggressive behaviors became more frequent, and his intolerance for conflict grew.
My self-esteem (which has never been great) completely dropped. I felt unworthy of his love, worthless as a human being, undeserving of intimacy with him. I lived in fear of what he'd do if I got angry again. I was always racking my brain trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
I learned to stuff my feelings. I eventually got to a point where I never ever shared my feelings out of fear, and instead took ALL the blame and ALWAYS apologized. And I frankly convinced myself that was the right thing to do. After all, I'm a monster, right?
I felt totally alone in the M. Like he was just "there" and it was MY job to fix our marital problems. I realize now that the reason I wanted sex so much was because it was literally the ONLY intimacy I could get from him.
I completely lost my identity. I believed his opinions of me were right, and I was wrong. I stopped standing up for myself completely and all my energy went into trying to please him, which was never appreciated or reciprocated.
Sad thing is, I was in complete denial this was going on. Never once stopped to think that the panic attacks I started having at work a few months ago, increased alcohol intake at home, or CONSTANT state of stress and anxiety were maybe tied to my M. I thought I was happy, I thought we had a good M and I was trying to change. So when he left, I was inconsolable. Devastated. Blindsided. My worst nightmare and fear coming true: he abandoned me.
I only began to realize all of this a few weeks ago. I can't believe I let myself be treated like that, which is the direct result of not loving and respecting myself enough. That's MY fault.
Still, I find myself slipping back into that old mindset of thinking I'm entirely to blame for ruining a picture-perfect M. I'm getting better about pulling myself back to reality, but it's hard.
So I guess I'm here for encouragement and to see if there's anyone else who's gone through the same thing.
For those who actually read through this entire novel, THANK YOU!!
