I think it left my H. I know he called our MC. I shouldn't be checking the phone bill, his business is none of mine anymore.
He approached me with a check for his spending the other night. I thanked him and asked if he would have even mentioned it if I hadn't called him on it. He sulked, and said, "it doesn't matter now, does it?"
"Nope."
This was the way he wormed his way back into my heart last time we had a big blow up years ago, and I fell for it then, and we started talking. I think it was something like, of course it matters, H! And him playing with me (it's funny, I remember even knowing it at the time and going along with it), no why does it, basically statements designed to get me to protest and work my way into convincing both of us our relationship was bigger than whatever happened.
I went over to your thread, Susana. Loved Starsky quoting about how marriage itself is not unconditional. We spend a lot of time on this board accepting and removing critical behaviors, but sometimes there are in fact limits.
He told me he does not have plans yet to move out. Surprise.
Actually, here's a surprise - all of his PTSD/I can't drive stuff has miraculously disappeared and he is on his 2nd outing today. I'm happy for him.
But what is really bugging me is the utter lack of remorse. I know that's a conversation he wants to have, about us, or he wouldn't say that stuff and wander around looking like he was going to cry. But he'd rather wait for me to come to him looking to apologize and fix it. If past memory serves me correctly, we'd have to split hair for about two hours before he could admit to any fault. NOT this time.
I think I'm still in shock. It might not be peace. And I'm definitely in the wrong forum now.
I mean honestly. If he comes back from the MC call or appointment...and admits to everything he should have and falls all over himself apologizing...I'm left with a man that didn't have the moral compass to do that in the first place, immediately that night. Or the day after, or ever. I left with a guy who is an iceberg to himself and will never choose responsibility. And it would be the same abuse cycle, tactics changing and shifting, maybe long stretches, but still the same pins and needles feeling I've had for six years. It would be a relief to not be in a R feeling like I'm with someone who got dragged into it.
Sorry, meandering thread here. Thinking out loud.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
