Onwards and upwards.

[Barry]

I'd like to talk about my feelings about my W. Not the feelings as to why I want to R with her (I could list these but it's futile for me to think of her this way any more, it only upsets me). I don't actually believe that R is possible any more.
I realise that's a bit of an un-DB like thing to say here but it's the truth.
Our M is over, even if not legally. That's just a matter of time now.

I know I've given up on her (I have to for my sanity) and that's not really what this forum is about but I want to keep posting because it helps, even if I get no feedback. I'm not sure now if people have read my 20 year old confession now and think that maybe I deserve all I get for doing that? I hope that's not the case.

One of the reasons why I've been able to detach from W so well over the last couple of weeks is that I've taken a long hard look at our M and tried to be objective on the things that I DON'T like about her. My love for her has always made these things tolerable or blinkered me into seeing her in a positive light.
W has detached from me just fine in only seeing the negatives in me and our M so I thought I'd give it a try. I was quite surprised as to what I came up with.

I'm aware that this post will come across to some that I'm playing the victim, that's not the case, I'm merely giving my thoughts on my W's part in this sitch.
I've tortured myself enough on what my role has been.

There are some things I'll list first then I'll follow it up with the thing that's the real dealbreaker for me...

• Rarely cooked meals for her family (she's a cook by trade).
• Rarely cleaned our home and was actually very untidy.
• Not a sexual person at all.
• Found it difficult to show affection towards me (simple handholding etc).
• Selfish
• NEVER apologised for anything.
• Condescending and critical.
• Controlling.
• No interest in "dating" me.

And the dealbreaker for me is..

• Emotionally closed off to me.

I'm making W sound like a real b1tch here. Obviously she wasn't like this all the time (and certainly not for all of our M) or we would never have stayed together for 23 years. She's changed a lot, we both have.

I've been thinking a lot about some of your sitches, particularly those whose WAS's have been or are still in an EA. For those that have been avidly keeping up with my sitch (thank you), you'll know already that there is no known OM on the scene. What there is, and what there has been for many years is W's best friend (female). W has been and still is in an EA with this best friend.

An EA is one person having their emotional needs met by someone other than their spouse. There doesn't necassarily have to be any sexual undertone to it.
I don't blame this friend for the complete break-up of our M, we did this all ourselves. She did play a part in being a constant (and I mean daily) addition in our M but it was my W's choice to let herself become so enmeshed with this friend that she pushed me away in the process. I suppose because W's emotional essence became unattainable to me, I wanted it more and more.

THAT'S what pushed HER away. This is what W meant when she said to me about not loving someone too much. She felt smothered because I wanted to be her best friend and the one she would turn to. Much of the root cause of my depression for the last 18 months has been centered around this ideal.

They have always been close, too close in my book. It's good to have friends but not at the expense of your M. If there were ever a need for a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell a secret to, or even for someone to just shoot the sh1t with, W would always turn to her friend to have her emotional needs met. It really upset me that this was the case, and I was jealous. I felt abandoned and lonely.
I was jealous of the bond they shared and what she represented in our M.
She was always the third wheel in our R.

I was talking to a colleague at work today (female), who has really helped me cope with my depression since BD. She was seriously ill with depression a couple of years ago too, but she made it through it so she knows how important it is to talk to someone who understands the emotions. She is happily married and I know her H too. Anyway, as I talked with her today about the above, I said to her "I'm sure you have girlfriends that you would tell things to that you wouldn't tell your H". She looked at me and said "No, I don't actually. I DO have lots of girlfriends but my H is my best friend. I'd talk to him about everything".

That got me thinking that to me, that's what M's should be like. Especially long ones like ours. My W CHOSE to turn to her friend over me. It wasn't like I didn't want to be there for her, in fact, that was what I wanted most in my M.

I've also known this best friend for most of my life and I've seen many changes in her that my W has and is trying to replicate. Best friend has been divorced, and actually married her AP. She has had the tattoos, the "boob job", the new car, the new job and started wanting to party like its 1999. All of these things my W is now doing herself.

The best friend also has a brother (single) who is actually a great guy. I've been away on fishing weekends with him and get on well with him (not a friend as such though). He's not what I'd call good looking but very funny and easy going.
Best friend and he are very close.

If I had to bet on what's going to happen, I can see my W dating the brother at some point...set up by the friend of course. It's none of my concern really, W is lost to me now and if it were to happen that way, I would at least know that she was dating someone decent.

When my W offered me her pearl of wisdom in not loving someone too much, I knew what she meant. I didn't tell her this, and maybe I should have but I wanted to tell her that should she find someone else, she needs to love them more - and show it. I wanted to tell her that she should remember that if she's in a R with someone, they've given her a large piece of their heart. They haven't given it to her and her best friend. They don't come as a pair.

Sadly, I know that W and friend will never change the bond they have and I fear for W in that she will find herself having a similar problem in the future. She'll realise one day that it's not just me that doesn't like playing second fiddle to a friend, that's the same for the majority of people unless they are just in it for casual sex. My W isn't (or I should say hasn't been) someone who would do that so I worry for her next long term relationship.

I'm actually decided. As much as I do love her still, I couldn't ever R with her as long as I was a safety net for when her friend isn't around.

Barry.