I am back...still DBinging...

[jim0987]

Sign? I think RD is going for the neon billboard


Hi Pink, As I read through your updates there were a few phrases you used that stood out for me

I feel that the LBS needs to find a balance in the whole craziness and try to be the best they can

This is a good sentiment, but I think the crucial caveat is that it needs to have no reference to what the WAS sees, hears or thinks because as long as it does you are still wrapped up in their craziness

maybe he feels I am trying to move on.

Are you? if you really think about it are you? Either way your GAL is impressive and has to be doing you good.

I doubt he knows what he feels, can you honestly say you know how you feel? and how long does that feeling last?

Feelings come and go but how we act on them, how we let them define who we are and what we do is what matters. Until he is prepared to take actions which make him the kind of man you deserve does it matter what he feels?

But in the same time he says that we will be OK, that we will do our D and be OK.

He's right you know.

You will be OK (him i'm less so sure). It might not be the happily ever after you originally envisaged and there may be some difficulties along the way but you'll be ok. In fact if you choose you'll be better than ok because you will take the good from this, you'll learn from all this and you will be able to move forward with your life in the most positive way possible.

And I have no doubt there will be no shortage of good people who want to be a part fo your life, if thats what you choose.

I will keep the divorce going. At least I will have my life and the life of my children straight up and with direction. If, just if, he comes back one day, we will see if he has any room left in our hearts.

Right now I feel this is the right attitude and approach. He is making his choices and this shows you respecting both his choice and yourself. This is not about making a possible future reconcilliation harder but is about recognises the reality of the present.

But the kind that wishes him good fortune as he drives his bus off the cliff.

I loved this sentiment Toots. If we can do this genuinely with an open and loving heart then we know it isnt a form of control and that we are truly detached from their craziness.



All in all, I think what i'm trying to say is that your doing really well with a horrendous set of circumstances and I would hate to see some vagueness on the part of your H upset you anymore than he already has. You deserve better and he doesnt deserve that kind of control and influence over you.

Live your life Pink, live it to its fullest and try not to care about the cliff your H has driven his life off of. Maybe, one day he will realise what an utter fool he has been and start the work he needs to do to earn another chance with you.

H is a Koala Bear, he needs affection.

just wanted to say, me too.

[Pink17]

You guys are the best...I am so glad I am back on the board. It makes me stronger every time I read your kind words. I am a better person because of you.

V - thank you for posting Starky's analogy. It really makes so much sense in the world I live in now.

T - I really get what you are saying and deep in my heart I know my H is in a lot of pain, even though he believe that he is having some fun with his adventure.

I spoke with my IC today, told him in detail what happen and he is quite convinced by what I told him that H is an MLC. He told me that the best thing now is to keep some distance from H, he said that if I keep in contact and let H bring his depression and emotional unbalance into my life, it will end up making me sick and very unbalance too.

IC even said that I may be (or the family) his strong pillar, the one he comes back to feel safe, secure and normal. It could sound really nice if H is not sick, but it is really destructive and will not be good for me or the kids.

So, I think your advice is the right one and exactly what I am going to do. I will keep some health distance from H, go dim or dark from now on. I won't go to MC now, H is not ready and it won't work. I will keep the divorce going. My L said it will be a long one since the judge set up next meeting with him for august 30th/15.

I will answer questions about the kids, but limit contact about anything else. And I know it is very hard but I will do my best to move forward with my life. I would like to keep some hope inside my heart, but at this point it's best if I think it is over forever.

I feel really said with all what my H is doing. As much as I ask the kids to respect and understand their dad, they are not stupid and H has been hurting their heart and lives now. Lately I have been explaining to them that their dad is very sick, he is depressed and does not have full consciousness of what he is doing right now.

The kids do not buy much into that. So, we will see how this goes. H made a real mess and is still messing up further. He is missing S14 BDay on the 30th because he will be with OW and also told me he won't have time to spend with the kids on their spring break. It breaks my heart, but I do not have control over any of what H is doing.

Toots...Thanks for helping think with clarity.

RD - you make me smile, I love it. But please, do not disrupt your life now. I promise I will let you know in advance so you can wait at the airport.

You know RD, it is actually very helpful. Just to image how fun it would be to meet someone new, that had the potential to understand me and care deeply for me, it give me chills.

So, in some ways I can grasp what my H has been feeling with his OW. The new and unknown is very attractive, it does not matter if it will work or not, it is just that... exciting.

Let's see where life takes us... my mom told me that when I was three years old, I told her that I would go very, very far away because the world was very big.

Love to you all
Pink

[Pink17]

Hi Lovely Jim,

Thanks for taking the time to visit me. Your words hit the nail. I have been really mixed up and messed up because I keep letting H get into my life over and over again.

I am a very passionate and emotional person. Most of the time it is the "I FEEL" that has been managing my life and Rs with everyone.

Thinking about all this, I also come to realize that it is time I step back and start learning how to deal with people and situations without the feeling but looking into the facts.

It's a big lesson for me, a 180s I would say. But at the end, I am the one that will benefit most from changing my attitude a little bit.

The truth is that with my crazy life and my boys, I do not have time for a H right now. And I want to add my Orthotic classes to it very soon.

My H did a lot of damage to our family till now. He is another person and does not think or care for his kids and much less for me. I need to be strong and put some distance between us and do not allow him to rocky my world anymore.

During the time I was out of the boards, it was hell. My health was pretty debilitated and I went on a hole that was hard to climb back out of it. I did, and I will probably carry the wounds forever, but I have been learning lessons I never tough was possible.

Thanks Jim, I will do my best to get my life straight, my priorities in place and my goals right in front of my eyes so I know where I am going. I know I told you guys before that I would keep myself away from my H and then later tell everyone that I end up in bed with H again.

This needs to stop now, it is time for another season in out lives and this one must be the one H needs to go and do whatever he wants with his life and stop bringing the boys and I into his abysmal destruction.

Love
Pink

[Pink17]

So my idiot H text me this morning...

Pink - would it be possible to go over some financial information Saturday? I have some documents I copied for you & really need your help for a few things.
......
For many years I have been "nagging" him to go over finances and asking for his participation and input on so many decisions I needed to take by myself.

Now he asked me a million times to do it. Now, I am not interested to sit down with him to go over finances. And, the most amazing... he wants me to do the hard work on many calculations to find average monthly expenses on everything and gives it all to him to just copy to his sworn financial statement.

My L's advice was to swallow my pride and leg go the anger. Give it all resolved to him and if he agrees to state my numbers then it will be easier to just agree on monthly expenses and the judge won't make a big deal on it since it does not have discrepancies.

But I am angry that again I need to babysit his needs and resolve his issues, as I always did. And the worse is that he is asking me all this because he is taking a week vacation with his F OW.

He does not know I found out what he will be doing, so he is playing all innocent saying that he is working hard for us, for our family.

I know I told Toots I would be more sympathetic with H and try to understand he is lost and doesn't know what he is doing right now. But it is so hard, H is selfish and is just thinking about himself without respecting anyone in his way.

Most of the time, I feel that he always plans his every move, he always benefit from the situation.

Ahg... I wish I just hate him and tell him to fly a kite in Japan, far away from me.

So, what do you guys think? Play the game and do what my L is saying, and again resolve my H's issues or just ignore him and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Anyway, H is a big boy and knows how to schedule trips and fun with his OW, then he can probably figure it out about finances.

At this point I wish I can just dress up in pink and show up at the Dublin airport. That is really sounding like a better choice.

V, pink blush? You got RD on this one. I never saw pink underwear, that would be really funny. So, what do we call this... it's not EA, should we say it's VA (virtual affair?).

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Pink

Well, firstly if you already have plans on Saturday, I wouldn't change them to sort H out with the finances. And if you feel you are going to be angry with him, you may also want to pass on this.

Otherwise, if you are able to sit down with him, with good PMA and a 'too busy to care' attitude about his trip, I would help.

Do you know for sure he's going to see OW?

[Pink17]

No Toots, I do not know for sure. All I know is that H is traveling to Philadelphia on Monday 3/23, he is renting a car at the airport, has hotel reservations until Thursday 3/26 and will drop off the car rental at the JFK airport in NY.

From 3/26 to 4/4 that is when he has a flight schedule from Philadelphia back to Colorado, there is not hotel reserved by his company. It's a blank space.

Now, H has family and friends in Philadelphia and New York. But Toots, who am I kidding here. I know what is going on and I do not need any prove to it.

I am just not sure if OW is coming to NY or if H is going to Paris or somewhere else. H travels a lot so he has a lot of air miles to purchase a round trip ticket. He does not need to charge it.

I also though about doing everything, give him a paper with my numbers and tell him that if he wants to check on it to just get all the paperwork that are in the files. Leave everything available for him.

But in the same time, not be available for him. I do really need to get away from him. H always use this moments to come around with his emotional nightmares and I can't afford it anymore.

I think I can even manage to be in the same house, but not in the same room. If I want to have a chance to start a better life for myself, then I need to get away from him.

What do you think?

Pink

[T384]

Pink -

The advice my L gave me was to put everything aside and do what was best for me and the boys financially. If this meant swallowing my pride and doig something I didn't want to but it was for the greater good of the boys and I's future then it's what I did.

Think of this ... Whatever you do may be painful now but may be better off for you in the future. Do what is best for You - try not to let your anger get in the way of making the best decision for what may come in the future.

my goal during D was to have the best outcome financially for the boys and I and to make sure my children were in the best situation they could be.

Best of luck

[Pink17]

Hi TO,

The hard thing for me is that I know what you did is exactly what I need to do. I need to shut off all the anger I have right now. Be careful do not fall for H tears and all his I am so unhappy comments and do the best I can to be gentle and business like.

But yes, you are absolutely right. I need to concentrate in have the best financial outcome for my boys and myself.

I guess I am very tired of the whole drama, lies, tears, I love you with no purpose. But I guess I can stretch my patience a little more.

It's good advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and call on my attention what is my first and main purpose here.

Take care,
Pink

[T384]

Hey pink -

I completely get it and I have been there. I dealt with all the same emotions and was angry too. HeIl sometimes I still deal with anger.

But don't let that anger consume you or get in the way of what is BEST for you during the D.

I know you are hurting, but make small goals or take time outs when things get over whelming. What helped me was trying to remind myself to take it a day at a time. I often overwhelmed myself of where would I be in 6 months. It doesnt matter today.

You've got this!

[Sotto]

Pink, if it helps at all, can you try and put your 'business' hat on when you are dealing with this stuff with H? Like at work when you have something tricky to do and you need to put your best 'business' foot forwards and draw on all of your experience and knowledge.
Maybe you have a colleague or client who drives you nuts, but you have to deal with them constructively because it's work..

And if things stray into personal territory, or your H is tearful, just hand him a tissue, say - Hey, sorry you're feeling upset - and go put the kettle on..

Just another thought on compassion. Have you read the Hearts Blessings info at all? Her description of the stages of MLC has helped me quite a bit...

(((PINK)))