We are not in MC. We went to one sessions and my W hated it. The MC focused on my W and the A. She felt like she was being attacked. I mentioned how some people go see MWD in person and she commented that it was probably worth the money. She also said that she needs to see an IC.
As with anyone at this stage, there are ups and downs. One day is really good and we connect. The next day my W will feel a bit more distant. When that happens, I just give her her space and back off.
One recent challenge is that one of her good friends was recently divorced and the situation sounds pretty similar to our situation. Nothing wrong with the M, no fighting, two great parents. But the spouses just started to prioritize themselves individually and did not focus on the M. In the end, the W could not give the H what he wanted. Both seem very happy now. Perhaps this will get my W thinking in the other direction but I know there is nothing that I can do to change that.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Is your W helping you heal and meeting your emotional needs consistently?
(Thinking out loud here...) How do you get from point A. Being to be strong and confident all the time to point B. Being able to emotionally melt and not have your wife "need space"
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I struggle with that. When we first started this process of healing/piecing, I was very honest with her about my needs and when I needed more from her. Unfortunately, I think it came across as needy, which I know was not doing me any good in re-attracting my W to me. Also, it was putting too much pressure on her. I realized that I need to be the source of my own happiness.
Is she meeting my needs consistently...she does very well when we are together. But, when either of us travels, she somewhat drops off of the mat. So at those times, I feel a void. But it is at those times that I reassure myself that (1) this is a long road to recovery and (2) I cannot rely on her for my happiness. I am my own person, not defined by my R with my W. I am a father, a son and a friend. I am loved by God and other around me. It is at those times that I do something for myself...talk to a friend, go to crossfit, go to yoga, go to martial arts, focus on my work, read a book, watch a movie, do something with my kids, etc.
Would I like more from my W? Yes. Has she given me more and more over the past few month? Yes, every week shows steady improvement.
I hope that helps.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Quick update on my sitch...we have had a lot of ups and downs every week. One week things look bleak and my W is distant from me, and then the next week my W is totally engaged, wants to be together, wants to have fun, wants to have sex, etc. To be honest it has been a total drag on me and is killing me emotionally.
I talked to my W about it and just said that we cannot continue to do this. She agreed that she is not being fair to me. She says that right now, her heart is not in it but she does not want to D because of the kids but she also knows that she is not giving me what I need. She says that she wants to "want" to do all of these things, not do them with the hope that the emotions come back. I know she has the process backwards and that actions precede emotions. She wants it the other way.
So after our talk, I said while I believe that we have a lot going for us and many reasons to work on our M, she has to want it as well. If she wants out and thinks she would be happy not being married to me, then she needs to go that route. I cannot and will not stop her.
The ironic part is that where it went wrong (in her words) was that we put our kids first. We stopped focusing on us. So as the male in the R, I see this as fixable. Simply make the changes to make our lives more M focused and focus on being happy. But she does not want to do the work to make it better.
So, I appear to be headed towards a D after all of this work. It really sux. I cannot believe that I am in this sitch. I know that I will be fine on the other end. But I hate breaking up my home and my family. My kids do not deserve this. They do not deserve the be shuttled back and forth between homes. They do not deserve to see their mom or dad 50% of the time. They deserve two parents working on their marriage, showing them what a loving relationship can be. They don't deserve this. They will benefit not one bit from this process. My W and I will benefit because we will find ourselves in better relationships. But from my kids' perspective our M is perfect, fun and loving. They will get nothing but pain from this.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I'm so sorry things are difficult right now for you guys. Remember, this isn't over until you decide - okay?
Rzr in newcomers is at a similar point to you - early piecing and experiencing some problems. He's getting some advice from the Wonka/Starsky combo right now - so couldn't be in better hands. You may want to have a look at his thread.
Also, have you seen Sandi's thread on WWs? That also has some info that may be useful to you.
I dont have much else to offer right now other than (((Shodan)))
Take care my friend..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My kids do not deserve this. They do not deserve the be shuttled back and forth between homes. They do not deserve to see their mom or dad 50% of the time. They deserve two parents working on their marriage, showing them what a loving relationship can be. They don't deserve this. They will benefit not one bit from this process. My W and I will benefit because we will find ourselves in better relationships. But from my kids' perspective our M is perfect, fun and loving. They will get nothing but pain from this.
Speaking as a divorced Dad:
You might be surprised. While it's not something they or you would choose to go through, children are surprisingly resilient. In my humble opinion, a LOT depends on how you handle it and conduct yourself.
By all means keep DBing and don't give up hope but also don't assume things and outcomes.
Strength and honor, Shodan.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Thanks Drew and Toots. I just read through Rzr's latest thread. There definitely are some similarities with my switch. Like his W, my W is leading with her feelings and emotions.
I just need to back off. She needs to pursue me. If she wants out, I cannot stop her. I am a good man. And like Rzr's W, my W says I am a great catch. I am just done with this back and forth roller coaster and limbo.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I'm sorry, Sho. You deserve better than this. I pray your wife will come to her senses and see you for the great catch that you are, before she loses you completely.
Starksy, everything that you, Train, Wonka and others have said has been 100% right. The WAS needs to know she will lose the LBS. At times, I know I show that through my actions, and then at other times I do not. In the end, I have been a total wuss about following your advice because I am afraid. I am afraid of what life will be like. I am afraid of how this will impact my kids. I am afraid that I will not meet someone else. I am afraid of what people will say about me. I am afraid, plain and simple. I am afraid that I will have no one. I don't have a large circle of close friends and I am not close with my family. I have focused all of my energy on my W and OUR family. So I cling to this b/c I don't want to recognize it for what it really is. My W is unhappy and I cannot control that. She has been faking for a while for the kids. She deserve better than this as do I.
I need to stop being a wuss and man up. I never thought I would be "starting" over at the age of 40 but I am. But I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At least that is what I tell myself.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I don't think you're a wuss, ftr. I think you're human, like all the rest of us here. I spent a huge chunk of my marriage -- and even my early sitch -- paralyzed by fear too. For most of the very same reasons you state. I get it.
You've done a helluva lot more RIGHT than wrong, bro. And I respect ANY man who fights for his marriage, instead of doing the "cut and run" thing that society seems to promote these days.
