LOVE is unconditional, yes. But MARITAL BOUNDARIES should NOT be.
From my personal archives:
LOVE is unconditional.
FORGIVENESS, too (or -- better -- it is a CHOICE, a DECISION).
RELATIONSHIPS . . . and certainly MARRIAGES . . . I don't believe they are.
It's a MYTH, and I think it's a potentially dangerous one. Marriage is UNDERGIRDED by love -- maybe even unconditional love -- but the marriage contract itself, does that not have all KINDS of conditions?
Would you remain married to your wife if she abused puppies? Did illegal drugs in your home, in front of your children? Was involved in human trafficking? Or would you say "I will ALWAYS love you, but I cannot remain MARRIED to you!" ?
Adultery falls SOMEWHERE on that spectrum for each of us . . .somewhere in-between "abusing puppies" and "you snore too much," lol.
I repeat: LOVE is unconditional. MARRIAGE certainly is NOT. At least it shouldn't be, in my opinion.
Starsky
Susanna dont get confused by the fact that no "other person" is involved.
Infidelity still exists even if their is NO AFFAIR partner.
This is something that took me quite a long time to understand and come to grips with.
Just because adultery is not being waved in your face does not mean that he is not in a fog, your boundaries were broken when he gave you the bomb.
I can't for the life of me remember who recommended the Rendezvous video of driving a Ferrari through the streets of Paris but THANK YOU, you are brilliant!
I watched the video and thought "ooh Paris! With a noisy car in the background"
I handed a beer and my computer to H last night and told him to hit play on the video and watch it while I made his birthday dinner. Within seconds he was humming along to the car noise. He loved it so much he then watched a "making of" video and another video of an interview with the driver.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
LOVE is unconditional, yes. But MARITAL BOUNDARIES should NOT be.
From my personal archives:
LOVE is unconditional.
FORGIVENESS, too (or -- better -- it is a CHOICE, a DECISION).
RELATIONSHIPS . . . and certainly MARRIAGES . . . I don't believe they are.
It's a MYTH, and I think it's a potentially dangerous one. Marriage is UNDERGIRDED by love -- maybe even unconditional love -- but the marriage contract itself, does that not have all KINDS of conditions?
Would you remain married to your wife if she abused puppies? Did illegal drugs in your home, in front of your children? Was involved in human trafficking? Or would you say "I will ALWAYS love you, but I cannot remain MARRIED to you!" ?
Adultery falls SOMEWHERE on that spectrum for each of us . . .somewhere in-between "abusing puppies" and "you snore too much," lol.
I repeat: LOVE is unconditional. MARRIAGE certainly is NOT. At least it shouldn't be, in my opinion.
Starsky
Susanna dont get confused by the fact that no "other person" is involved.
Infidelity still exists even if their is NO AFFAIR partner.
This is something that took me quite a long time to understand and come to grips with.
Just because adultery is not being waved in your face does not mean that he is not in a fog, your boundaries were broken when he gave you the bomb.
I am still a bit confused by this tbh. Cadet, I know you explained to me awhile ago about infidelity existing, even in the mind. Which makes sense.
But in terms of setting a boundary it seems clear-cut if there's an OP: "I will not be in a marriage with a third party"
But it doesn't seem like you (I) can say: "I will not be in a marriage with an imaginary third party" Lol!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I am still a bit confused by this tbh. Cadet, I know you explained to me awhile ago about infidelity existing, even in the mind. Which makes sense.
But in terms of setting a boundary it seems clear-cut if there's an OP: "I will not be in a marriage with a third party"
But it doesn't seem like you (I) can say: "I will not be in a marriage with an imaginary third party" Lol!
"I will not be in a marriage where my needs are not being met."
Here ^^^, while your LOVE for this person might be unconditional, you're saying that REMAINING IN A MARRIAGE WITH THEM, when your own needs are not being met, is a dealbreaker. It -- having your needs met -- IS a 'condition' of remaining in the marriage.
I can't for the life of me remember who recommended the Rendezvous video of driving a Ferrari through the streets of Paris but THANK YOU, you are brilliant!
It was me and you are welcome, it has been a while since I have been called brilliant. Inside most men is a little boy that likes loud noises and to drive fast.
I think you vacation is coming at a really good time for the both of you. You seem to be getting eager about your R and creating some expectations for your H. The time away should allow you to miss each other and get some time to clear your head.
I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in the DB process that we forget about all that life has to offer us. I was very guilty of this and put too much time and effort into saving my M instead of living life and also trying to save the M.
Have a great time in Romania.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I think Starsky explained it above but here is some further info.
Quote:
An Affair Is A Betrayal
Wikipedia directs this definition of the word “affair” to the word “infidelity” and says this about it:
“Infidelity is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, which constitutes a significant to extreme breach, or outright default, on the implicit good faith contract of a relationship, or a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity and nature of the relationship is defined. In common use, it describes an act of unfaithfulness to one’s husband, wife, or lover, whether sexual or non-sexual in nature.“
Quote:
Ultimately, the definition of betrayal belongs to the betrayed. If you feel your spouse has been unfaithful in some action or relationship outside the marriage, the personal trauma is the same
I am reading that ^^ as either EA or PA. That is the strict definition of infidelity. In Susana's case, there's no OW.
Starsky,
Originally Posted By: Starsky
Originally Posted By: susana4
I am still a bit confused by this tbh. Cadet, I know you explained to me awhile ago about infidelity existing, even in the mind. Which makes sense.
But in terms of setting a boundary it seems clear-cut if there's an OP: "I will not be in a marriage with a third party"
But it doesn't seem like you (I) can say: "I will not be in a marriage with an imaginary third party" Lol!
"I will not be in a marriage where my needs are not being met."
Here ^^^, while your LOVE for this person might be unconditional, you're saying that REMAINING IN A MARRIAGE WITH THEM, when your own needs are not being met, is a dealbreaker. It -- having your needs met -- IS a 'condition' of remaining in the marriage.
Is it a real dealbreaker? Marriages, as you know, go through cycles where there will be some dry spells and/or spouses may really dislike each other. Does that mean that one's needs are not being met in that scenario? Oh boy...a boundary has been broken! Let's call in the Hazmat team! C'mon.
It may mean a certain way to one person and for another person a whole different set of parameters. Mind you, I am not talking about EA or PAs here.
For instance, a wife knows that her H is a man of few words and given to rare displays of affection. She's, by all accounts, happily married and demonstrates complete acceptance of who her H is...not what he should be as a H. This woman has deliberately chosen to remain in the marriage knowing that not ALL of her needs will be met.
This is where one makes some trade-offs in an ever evolving M.
I am reading that ^^ as either EA or PA. That is the strict definition of infidelity.
"Financial infidelity" (in which one spouse runs up huge debts and hides the bills from their husband or wife, for example) is another example.
In any event, my post was a copy-and-paste from my archives, so it's not going to be 100% on-point. The main point I was trying to make to Susana is that while LOVE may be unconditional, I don't believe it's healthy for marriages to be. Marriages can -- and should -- contain healthy boundaries.
