Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[Kramer]

Well, it finally happened. I got officially served divorce papers yesterday. She had filed on Jan 9, 2015, and I had held out hope that she was having second thoughts about going through with it. In retrospect, that was pretty stupid of me. I should have been looking at the facts: she moved out into her own place, she is still with OM, and she has not made any attempts to reconcile with me.

We had a financial meeting yesterday, and it was the first time I have seen her in over a month. She brought the process server with her because she knew that I would be present and would not be able to leave. Score 1 for her! We made it through the meeting, and I was cordial but not overly friendly (especially after being served papers).

We walked to our cars together, and when we got to her car, she became tearful and asked why I was so cold. I calmy looked at her, and said "Really? You actually have the nerve to ask me that?" More tears, and a lengthy conversation ensued thereafter. She apologized for having an affair and lying to me, and said that I didn't deserve that treatment. I apologized for my emotional distance that led to her feelings, and opened the door for her affair. Of course, I was hoping for some sort of spark or epiphany that she wanted to fix things between us, but it never came. She went on and on about how tough it was for her financially to live alone, and how busy she was, and how she was sleeping on an air mattress...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I reminded her that it was HER that initiated this whole process and had the affair, but of course it did not register with her. It was a cathartic conversation, and involved tears on both our parts. We ended with a hug and went our separate ways.

I have replayed the interaction many times since then. Initially, I was thinking that there was some doubts entering into her head regarding divorce and OM, as evidenced by the crying, expressions of loneliness and sadness, and her living alone vs full time with OM. But then, I realized that she purposefully brought her process server with her to the meeting. If she were truly having doubts about divorce, then she would not have done that. I suspect that the tears and talk of "loneliness" were all script, and meant to play on my heartstrings, and keep me hanging on. And it worked, at least for the short term.

I also find it interesting that she remains adamant that we not get the lawyers involved, and she insists that we can work things out between us without lawyers. A quick review of her papers indicate that she expects me to take on all the debt and for us each to keep our own retirements. She conveniently omitted her $150,000 403B account, while listing my military retirement and asking for half, even though we were only married for the last 2 years of military service. Obviously, she is trying to stick it to me. California is a community property 50/50 state, and our case is very straightforward without biological children or property. I really do not relish the thought of hiring a lawyer since the end result will be the same, but it looks like I will not have a choice since there is such a disparity.

I am hoping others can offer their opinion regarding this most recent interaction. Am I wrong to write this off as guilt on her part and following script? Am I wrong in turning things over to lawyer and completely pissing her off, and driving her further away? Am I missing signs of her having second thoughts?

Sandi, I am hoping you will weigh in as well, with your first hand knowledge and experience with WW.

Thank you all!