Jer just spent over an hour doing some personal bible study/reading... Feeling a little more at peace... Trying hard to focus on me, trust that God is working within this situation and does have a plan and good future for me and my children, and trying to remember to be thankful for the many blessings that I have been given in my life including some throughout this storm in my family's life.
And I include the many people in this forum in those blessings...
One of the things that I read during this past hour was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 -- Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
This made me think of all of the people on this forum who've been through this crazy MLC journey and who spend time here responding to those of us who are just beginning this journey or who are right in the middle of this crazy journey -- so many of you are doing exactly what is spoken of in that passage -- you are guiding us and comforting us (as much as anyone can be comforted in this situation) with your experience and the knowledge that you gained as you went through this. And that is something that I do consider a great blessing during this time in my life... I'm not sure I'd be where I am right now in this process if it weren't for the archived posts filled with tons of great information and the many people here who take time to share, respond, push-back, and provide guidance.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer .... you are just fine ... I shake my head reading your sitch as it was not long ago I was right there.
Like GB said Jer ... you can only really control YOU, your W is in replay, probably one of the most brutal of all the stages as far as the just plain selfishness of it all. I do follow you pretty well, the thing I think you need to start doing more of ... get out of her head and really get your GAL on, even if thats something with the kids. I am telling you because I was there, consumed with W, how she sounded on the phone, how she looked, what nights she was solo or with OM ... do not waste that energy there, waste it chasing those kids around, making memories, rebuilding yourself .. I see you starting ... keep at it. You do not want W in this condition do you? As far as God protecting their R ... like I said before .. the fact they can not really be close is going to string the R out longer (More patience on your part than you would ever want to endure) ... but seriously ... looking at it from the outside, they really have little in common, can not share much that is relevant, its nothing more than something built on a weak foundation in fantasy-ville ... it will run its course, most of them just do. Where and who you will be at that point is what your journey is about. Jer 2.0 will be amazing ... you know that, do not let her and her crazy derail you.
Thing is Jer ... I was like you thinking .. ok it OP would just get out of the picture W would start figuring stuff out .. nope .. the OM seems to be gone but W is still processing, this thing takes so much time and by the end who knows who W will be, or who the LBS will be for that matter. All we can do is become the person God meant us to be, I know that now, that's my focus ... can not control what our MLC'rs are going to do ... heck they can not control it and will have to make mistake after mistake till they bottom out ... its up to them to go through the tunnels, we have our own path we must walk, the power is truly all in our court even though at times it does not feel that way.
Like GB said Jer ... you can only really control YOU, your W is in replay, probably one of the most brutal of all the stages as far as the just plain selfishness of it all.
Brutal is a nice way to describe this! :-)
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I do follow you pretty well, the thing I think you need to start doing more of ... get out of her head and really get your GAL on, even if thats something with the kids.
So hard to get out of her head... Especially since we still live together and that keeps me exposed to so much right now... For example, last night her mom had the kids so we were alone at home... Not long after I went off to the master bedroom I could hear her talking downstairs -- they were Skyping and W didn't bother to plug in the headphones so I was able to hear both of them talking very loudly downstairs. Went back to bedroom and turned up my television so I could drown out the conversation...
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I am telling you because I was there, consumed with W, how she sounded on the phone, how she looked, what nights she was solo or with OM ... do not waste that energy there, waste it chasing those kids around, making memories, rebuilding yourself .. I see you starting ... keep at it.
Yes -- too consumed with that some days... so need to let go of that and focus on me and the kids...
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
You do not want W in this condition do you?
No. I don't. I just wish that instead of pursing OW and wanting divorce/separation she had just asked for some time for herself without destroying our family... But I guess that would require her to be thinking logically and on a mature and selfless level...
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
As far as God protecting their R ... like I said before .. the fact they can not really be close is going to string the R out longer (More patience on your part than you would ever want to endure) ... but seriously ... looking at it from the outside, they really have little in common, can not share much that is relevant, its nothing more than something built on a weak foundation in fantasy-ville ... it will run its course, most of them just do.
If I could share more here, then it would be even more clear how little they do share in common... Even the way they met -- was through something that my W only very recently took an interest in and has now dropped as she has started to focus more on trying to figure out the logistics of a future with OW... From what I can tell, the only thing they really share in common is an interest in some of the same kinds of music and a few television shows -- and of course, their fantasy of what their life together will be like... blech...
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Where and who you will be at that point is what your journey is about. Jer 2.0 will be amazing ... you know that, do not let her and her crazy derail you...
Hang in there, you are going to be just fine.
Thanks :-) I definitely count you as one of those "blessings" through all of this... Reading your sitch and your comments on my sitch as well as on other sitches does help me process what I am going through.
And you are right -- I really like where I am heading in terms of my personal growth and I do think Jer 2.0 is taking shape to be someone really wonderful in many different ways.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Its a long road Jer ... very very long. And yeah you are still in the trenches, still very close to ground zero.
Thing is ... I know you wish your W would have just asked for time and space and worked on herself ... in her MLC noggin that is what she is doing now, the pain is so great she is looking for a fix ... I equate it to someone who has ... toss in your disease, instead of going to the Doctor to get set up for treatments ... they go to the bar, get drunk, the pain is gone that night ... but they wake up feeling like crap again .. but hey that drinking worked .. so lets stay at it .. well they can not run from it forever, some do but those are the ones stuck and miserable ... hopefully she will realize .. ok this is not working either... then its on to something else, maybe its treatment finally .. or maybe they try something else.
I think the trick is to get out of their way, get out of their heads, no room for sane up in there anyways. I would not be shocked with yours if she went from OW1 and started a OM2 who is closer and available to get her fix. Mine seemed to dabble with a OM2 just for a bit .... but I think she quickly realized that was not helping either ... for the moment she seems to be 'off' men. It helps to ... I know this is bad to say .. but it helped me... view them as a science project, like in a container, you can not change nor alter their environment .. just notice what is happening, how they behave ... document and watch. Currently I am watching the couch in her place ... the thing is placed in a ridiculous position and it just humors the heck out of me. My own way of making this thing funny.
I think I am about 2-3 years into this ... I did not discover this site till what .. late July, figured out MLC in August, so its only been 6 months I have actually known what I was dealing with and slowly learned how to better deal with it ... and the best of those lessons had nothing to do with W, it was all about me, finding myself, letting go, finding peace regardless of what W did, rebuilding ME. I see myself looking down the D barrel, but I am good.. she might need this, she may be rethinking .. regardless she is not someone I want at this moment. I am not in her way on ANYTHING, she can try to blame me but at this point its just punching the air for her.
Try to get there Jer ...Jer2.0.. its the hardest but most rewarding part of all of this.
Try to get there Jer ...Jer2.0.. its the hardest but most rewarding part of all of this.
I'm trying... :-)
The couch thing is funny... I've read your posts about it before... There are moments when I can detach enough to just sit and observe like W is a science experiment -- I just need for those "detached" moments to be more frequent and longer in length.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
^^^I think Cali is in training to become the next 'moderator' for this forum. :-) He's doing a great job. What he said.
Jer, you seem to have come a long way in a relatively short time. There is lots to endure, for sure. And you seem to have found your path. Stay on it, and you will continue to become the better, smarter, wiser, stronger person your were always meant to be! You just might leave W in the dust...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
^^^I think Cali is in training to become the next 'moderator' for this forum. :-) He's doing a great job. What he said.
Jer, you seem to have come a long way in a relatively short time. There is lots to endure, for sure. And you seem to have found your path. Stay on it, and you will continue to become the better, smarter, wiser, stronger person your were always meant to be! You just might leave W in the dust...
Thanks so much :-)
I am trying hard to stay on MY path... And I am beginning to have moments where I feel like I've already left W in the dust. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
^^^I think Cali is in training to become the next 'moderator' for this forum. :-) He's doing a great job. What he said.
Oh heck no ... lol
I think when you have a collective group here going through what we all are/have been going through there are little lessons you learn, sometimes on your own, sometimes from someone here who figured out a little trick/technique that makes it just a little easier to deal with. Passing this stuff on, pounding it over and over till it sinks in and you 'get it' ... that's where the relief from the pain comes ... I think we all can help each other out in little ways here and there .. but honestly its up to the individual to truly get there.
You got that right Cali, it is up to us in the end. And yes, I have to say I have read some of the same things many times here, and it seems like one day it just clicks. And then we've taken another step toward becoming ourselves again. One foot in front of the other. We'll all get there eventually...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
When I woke up this morning I immediately asked God to fill me with lots of peace and love today, and I instantly felt an overwhelming amount of peace surge through my body. I also immediately felt a huge amount of gratitude for this day... Had we not gone out on that "date" 10 years ago then I wouldn't have everything that I now have in my life -- 3 amazing kids, 9.5 very happy years with someone who I still love deeply and who made me feel very loved for all of those years, and a large family filled with people who love all of us so much and who continue to keep prayers around my W as well as around all of us.
As much I this sitch hurts, I can also express some gratitude for it being a catalyst for an enormous amount of growth (spiritual, emotional, mental) and maturity that I never expected but that I now know is essential for me to move forward in my life.
Not sending the following message to her -- so no need to panic and tell me not to... this is just for my benefit...
To my W:
Sweetheart,
You may never realize how much you have brought into my life, and right now you may only be able to see the negative... But trust me when I say that I never regret meeting up with you for that date and making all of the decisions that followed to build a life and family with you. I will take all of the pain and never have any regrets because all of the good we have had over the past 10 years (even if right now you can't remember any of it) far outweighs all of the bad that has occurred over the past several months.
I do wish we were anticipating a fun romantic dinner to celebrate our anniversary tonight, but that is not meant to be for us right now. I won't tell you Happy Anniversary today or buy you a card or a dozen roses. Today will go by unacknowledged by us -- and for now I will just be happy that things are at least more peaceful in the house between us despite the fact that we are still moving forward towards separation and that you and OW are planning a future together. But in my heart I know what today is and what it means for me. In my heart I still believe in "us" even if you don't right now.
All my love, --
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
