You're right, labug. I know I have control issues. (For the record, my STBX does too, which is not really relevant to ME and my work.)
I have come a lonnnng way in this area. I am pretty hands off when it comes to his parenting. Seriously.
And I know it's a button pusher for him.
As I look back on this moment (and his response to send me a three paragraph email about how mad he was about it), I realize that a) sure, this tendency of mine still does come up from time to time. I'm a mom. I want my kid to be healthy and safe. But I am not being hard on myself for this particular instance because what I said ("are you going to take a jacket at all?") was really not so bad. And b) his response reveals how little work he has done on himself. If he's still allowing a little comment from me to get him all worked up like that, it says a lot more about him, and makes a future with him look bleak.
That's where I'm at right now. I see my role in that interaction, but I also see how a future with him is not possible--certainly not at the moment-- because holding myself up to a standard of perfection is unreasonable.
I hope this doesn't sound defensive. I totally hear what you are saying and am mindful of that flaw in myself. But this moment also gave me an epiphany-- he is not able to change, and I don't really like who he is, so I'm done. I've made a choice. And even if I end up alone, it's better than feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around someone who gets bent out of shape if i suggest our daughter brings her coat in the wintertime, ya know?
