Rock Bottom at 30

[skr4luv]

Hi everyone

I never thought I would have to go through something like this, how could I be so naive. Hope the kind people in this forum can provide some help. And sorry for my grammar, English isn't my first language.

OUR STORY

I've met her a year after my family and I moved back to our motherland in SE Asia (was born and raised in Switzerland). I was 17 and she was 18.
We were madly in love in the beggining. But that phase faded for me sooner than she thought. After 2 yrs in our relationship she caught me messing around with another girl but she was quick to forgive me. This happened a few more times (other girls) over the years.
I never intended to hurt her but I was too weak to resist, as they were very willing to be the one on the side.
I always admired her for the love she showed me and that was one of the main reasons I stayed with her.
We had our first Son after being 4 yrs together. 2 yrs later we had our second son and we then got married. I must admit I wasn't in love with her at that point, but I did it out of responsibility. And also to be able to bring them
back to my home country, Switzerland.
So we moved to Switzerland in 2010 and I unintentionally started to drift away more. I was showing little affection and in time she didn't show much towards me.
As the years went by I realized that things needed to change for the better but it wasn't my top priority
due to me adjusting to a new environment, a stressfull job etc.
Early December, 2014 my W told me she was falling appart. She started to blame me for all kinds of things
that happend in the past, things i thought we moved on from. At that point I was relieved that she also felt things
needed to change. I told her I wanted to improve and for some strange reason my love for her started to return.

Then came the bomb. She was supposed to stay over Friday night with her friend, as they were going to shop on
Saturday. But she didn't come back til Sunday. She also went out a lot on the weekends in previous weeks but I was just
too distracted to notice anything. Anyway, that Sunday when she came back, she revealed to me she met someone else.
She met OM during one of her nightouts in October, but things got serious with them late November. She insisted it was an EA but a week later admitted it turned to PA as well.
My world fell apart to say the least. I couldn't eat and sleep for weeks. Even up to now, my sleep has barely improved.
My reaction to the discovery was a threat to end our M but she wanted to work things out and I agreed due to the
new found love i felt for her. But in reality she was already too far gone as she continued to see him.
Following similar patterns, saying she would go shopping or go play squash... then not return until the next morning.
She has always been a very caring mother, but the kids started to notice and were asking why she's always sleeping
somehere else. I got very depressed during those times, calling and texting her but never got a response.
Everytime when she came back i pleaded for her to stop and
come to her senses. I chased, despite being hurt i tried to show her how much i loved her, wrote her poems, did the
majority of the housework. She would always tell me I have to give her time to get rid of him.
I snooped around and found facebook messages between her and one of her divorced girlfriend about how she's so much into
the OM and kind of trying to figure out how she can be with him. The OM would allow her to move in with her if I
take the kids. The thought of that just made me sick. But I always had that hope that she would indeed find a way
to leave the OM so I continued to pursue. And it appears like she enjoyed that.
When we're in the living room, she would ask me to cuddle with her, we have more random kisses and hugs than pre affair, and hold each other tight while sleeping. It seems to me she's trying to find her feelings for me. But she doesn't realize
that it doesn't happen until she's over the OM.
On Valtentines day I tried to express my love by planning out the day and some sweet gifts. In the afternoon we had another talk and basically again blaming me for the lack of affection in the past and that my changes now are just temporary etc... i was getting frustrated and told her, I don't think this isn't going anywhere. As we already planned to go the night out and leave my kids with my parents, I told her we should tell my parents, who she has been very close to, that we are getting separated. To my surprise she agreed.
That evening we told them. My mom was crying, my dad was too shocked to say anything and my W was visibly scared and whispered to me "are we
doing the right thing (getting S)?" We still went out, I tried to enjoy the evening, while she was still pretty overwhelmed from telling my
parents. The next morning (the kids were still at my parents) she said she needs help, as if she wanted to fix things. We talked things over,
then she said she needed to go out to figure things on her own. Well, she ended seeing OM and came home at midnight. During that day, she sent
my sister a message, saying she was relieved our situation is finally out.
My W still insisted that we go take our family vacation with the kids the following week, something we planned back when I was pursuing her.
During the trip, I tried to appear indiffirent but friendly and upbeat. We ML everynight, which she initiated.
On the last day I asked her again if separation is still what she wants. For the first time I tried to reason with her using the kids, reminding her
how she always wanted to have a family as she grew up in a broken home herself.
She said she was still torn. The day we got back, she had a nightout planned already as it was her GFs birthday. But I already knew
she was going to meet OM as well. Before she left I pleaded again to think about what we talked about. She screamed at me like "WTH am I
supposed to tell him, that I'm going to work it out with my H who I don't even love?". I told her, her feelings will come back like before
but she needs to let him go for that to happen. She was mad and said she will do that but I should accept it if she will be miserable for a long time. She left and was supposed to come back in the AM, but she went away for 2 nights. During those 2 nights I spent my time caring
for the kids and browse the internet trying to find answers. I learned about the 180 and other things. When she was away I didn't text or call her like I used to.
When she came back, I told her lets talk. The first thing she said "how are we gonna tell the kids?". I told her,
like many times before when we discussed separation, that I'm going to resign from work and go back to our motherland for a few months to get myself back up.
We should tell the kids 1 month before my flight back to the motherland. So she agreed and I continued the 180.
The following week she was again getting very nice to me. I caught her glancing at me couple times at dinner when I talked with the kids.
She asked me why I don't hold her anymore in bed... I said "what for?" Then came the day when the OM had his birthday during a workday.
She baked my favorite cake in our kitchen and spent the night at his place and came back early in the morning to check on the kids and went
to work. It was so painful but I didn't show her any reaction. To my surprise, she sent me an email that morning while at work "I've been
thinking about you the whole morning". I didn't reply. Another mail "are you busy?". And another mail "talk to me". I sent her a short indiffirent
reply. She sent another mail "do you think there's still a chance we can work things out?". I said "I guess not", trying to remain in my center.
That night she was a bit tensed. Still she went out the following weekend again. I continued the 180.
She also told me she was going to meet one of our friends for coffee. I called that friend beforehand just to confirm if it was true.
That friend knew we were getting separated but didn't know the real story. I knew she could talk some sense in her so I told her what's really
going on and she immediately offered that she would help bring her on the right track. Obviously we had to keep our convo a secret.

The following week during workday after
dinner, she said she needed to buy something and be back in an hour. She didn't. That night I couldn't sleep, thinking did I miss
the train? Should I have replied, yes lets work it out? My mom was contacting me frequently and I messaged her that I couldn't sleep and I wanted to
take the next day off. She told me she would come buy in the morning and bring me herbal meds to help me sleep.
My W didn't come home in the morning, so I assumed she went straight to work. My mom came with my sister at 10am. We talked about our situation,
then at 11am, my W came home, probably straight from her overnight stay with her OM. Needless to say, she was shocked that they were there.
She told us she just needed something for work and then went to her office. 1 hour later she called me, asking if they were still there.
She asked if she could come home now, as she needed to work from home (obviously a lie). My mom and sister left as she came back.
My W started to talk again about our situation. Saying that if I had agreed to her question, she would have really wanted to work things out.
After a little hesitation I gave in again and told her that's what I wanna do as well and again implied that she needs to tell the OM it's over.
She said she will give him his key back (something I didn't know she had) and thought that was a honest gesture. She went to see him and came
back on time when she said she would.
So we talked and said, our situation now is a bit different from weeks before. I told her I started to detach and prepared myself to leave.
She said she understood that and we needed to take baby steps. She even started to talk bout how our church wedding would be (we only had a
civil wedding) and we continued to plan future vacations.
I know she still has contact with OM, but not as frequent as before. I'm holding back from pressuring her to go NC as I figured
my 180 did bring good results. We continued to be nice to each other, she started to do lots of chores at home, things she neglected when her A
started. But there was one instance where she told me she was going to have dinner with her friend, the one who talked some sense into her.
It was 11pm and she still wasn't home. I called her friend. She said they left the restaurant at 9.50pm and it was weird because she had the
longer way home but was already home by 10.50. My W came home at 11.40. I confronted her and she admitted meeting OM for a brief walk in the city.
Now I believe that my W is just being more careful, no more sleep overs, but she is probably still able to meet OM during work days as she
can easily leave her desk as they are not being monitored by anyone.

My reactions to her actions
After D-day I threatend with D merely to test her. She wanted to work it out, but a few weeks later agreed to it.
I told her I would need to go back to the motherland for a couple months to get myself together. I will never improve
when I stay in Switzerland, with my stressfull job and being in this situation. The kids will stay with her for that time and
I told her I would want to come back 100% then get the kids and take care of them.
My W was initially worried that I would never come back, or fall back in a R with a woman that was a serious threat to our R before we got married.
In response to that she wanted to work it out to avoid that from happening.
On Valentines day after a long talk she suggested it would be a good idea if I did go and we could
get back together if I just let her enjoy this moment. I obviously don't want that to happend and told her there's no guarantuee anyway, if we
get separated we should do it before I leave. So that has been my stance until she came to me after doing the 180 on her.


About the OM
My W told me recently that it's hard for her to let go of the memories.
He tells me he's very sweet, the way he holds her hand in public, opens the doors for her, takes her coat etc
She also told me that when they first got physical it was a disappointment. But it got much better after that. Ughhh!
I also know that OM comes from a wealthy family and has a good job.
She belives he's really inlove with her, which may or may not be the case.

My W
She's always been very caring and loving mother and W. Very family oriented.
She never got to enjoy going out to clubs in her 20s and all as she rather stayed home with the kids.
She never did drugs or drinks alcohol but I suspect she has an addictive personality. When she has her favorite TV shows on DVD, she could watch
them all in one go.
She's a bit meterialistic, likes to have jewelry, expensive bags n such.
Although we both have a well paying job I think the OM being a rich guy attracts her even more to him.


The way I see
My W wants me to compete with him.
But I know that's useless. While she's in that state, everything the OM does is much more significant than what I do.
I'm not sure how to handle this situation anymore. Obviously she hasn't let go off him, just minimized contact to avoid confrontation.
She maybe torn. I think one part of her wants everything to go back to what it was but a bigger part, I believe,
she's hoping her R with him will work out somehow.

From what I've picked up so far, an affair can either run its course on its own or she has to go NC with OM, which will definitely be against
her will. But if she's in love with him and OM is in love with her, I don't believe the affair will end anytime soon.
But I'm afraid that pushing her to go NC and constantly check on her will turn her off and make her go back to the OM even more.
I cannot live in limbo any longer. I can't concentrate on anything else, my boss notices my lack of motivation.
I ordered DR and DB and will be in the mail next week.

Til then, I don't know if I should ignore or confront her when I notice she's texting OM or when I suspect her from meeting him before she picks up the kids.