In the meantime, this morning I was forcibly reminded of one of W's characteristics that I will definitely not miss, and that the OM will be oh-so-delighted to inherit. Namely, that when W is distressed, she will ask for help and then, when I do help, she will heap abuse on me because now I'm in her way ("taking it out" on me).
Specifically, this morning she was so preoccupied online (chatting with OM, I presume) that she lost track of time and only started getting ready at the time she would normally be walking out the door. I was still undressed and in bed.
W: Crap. I need to leave now if I'm going to be on time.
H: Ah, yes, I wondered why you had waited so long.
W: Would you drive me to the train station?
H: I suppose so.
W: Fine. I will call them and tell them I'm going to be late.
H: Oh? Last time I checked, "I suppose so" meant "yes".
W: Yeah, but you said it in a REALLY BITCHY TONE.
H: Huh. Well, if that's how you choose to hear it, I can't help that, but it was simply neutral. [and it really had been.]
She then stomped and glowered and swore at me for some minutes, claiming that she was late because I had done laundry last night ("I can't find anything"), focusing particularly on a sweater that I shouldn't have let go through the dryer and get wrinkled ("I don't have time to find something else. I'll just iron it and ruin it.")
Now, this problem was entirely of her making-- the laundry was done last night, and she could've set out her clothing before she went to sleep. She even woke up two and a half hours early and had plenty of time to find what she needed. She "had no time" this morning solely because she didn't bother to prepare. I had nothing to do with it. And yet she was furious, and was determined to direct that fury at me and make this my fault. Plus, after she specifically asked me to help, she attacked me for every single thing I said or did. I'm not exaggerating. Every single thing I said or did-- even when I was just standing there ("Get out of the %*&# way")-- was answered with a vicious attack. And then she deliberately chose to "ruin" her sweater and blame me for it instead of finding a positive solution.
THIS IS HER NORMAL BEHAVIOR. The only difference between pre-A and post-A is that, previously, once she'd calmed down, she would come back to me and apologize for being unreasonable and irrational. Now, instead, she will hold on to that anger and convince herself that I am at fault for ruining her morning (and her sweater).
So this time was actually a bit strange for me. Because normally, when she would do this, I would protest that I was trying to help but nonetheless let myself be victimized and unhappy. This time I found myself challenging her instead: "You can't blame me for this." "Ooh, the glowery face." "Look, you can believe I was being 'bitchy' or you can be on time. It's totally your choice." Throughout, I found myself matching her anger with bemusement. When she ultimately did accept the ride, I completely ignored her hostility and made small talk. (Which she did respond to.) In all, I felt... well, detached. Her ranting and raving had nothing to do with me, and I had no responsibility to feel badly about her poor planning or to try to make her feel any better. I didn't provoke her, and I didn't attack her, but I didn't let her get away with it either. It's somewhat liberating, but also disappointing, because it's yet another reason why I probably should just let her go.
