Mozza (10) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

MCS | Yes, it looks like this could have become a major hijack of your thread! You ask if I do this because of what my W did to me. Well, yes: because she left me and committed to an OM. Not, again and again, because she cheated on me, as I've demonstrated in 2009. I hope it's becoming somewhat clearer that I'm not trying to exact revenge; I don't even wish for her to know about my (eventual) dating.

Vanilla | Thanks, I get your point about holding my head up high. What might not be clear is that is already how I feel, even if I date before D. While we were together, I didn't cheat on her, I stood by her, fought for the M, didn't want to D. After she left me, I went on with my life and met other people. As for your previous, thoughtful post, I hope I have clarified since then that it is not because my W has cheated on me or that I need to feel a connection. It is about me.

jim0987 | I was hoping you'd contribute to the conversation because we've had some exchanged on this topic in the past. I really like your list of questions. Regarding your key question, let me ask you one in return to clarify your thoughts: If I'm D but still hoping to R, does that mean I need to remain faithful? I'm trying to understand if you (and some others) believe that I should be faithful because I am M or because I want to R, or because I want to R while M.

Interesting... I have done a tiny amount of flirting with no possibility of sex, but I feel like my self-respect started improving when I started standing up for my own needs (with STBX and others). Sex had nothing to do with it. Think this is a man-woman thing or something else?

Yes, this is a big part of it: standing for myself. This discussion focuses on the sex because it is sex (might be a red herring), but it is really more about self-respect. It is in the same line as refusing to be my WAW gay boyfriend. She's moved on and so am I. She wants back? I'm open to discuss.

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For those interested in what one can find in therapy, here's an example related to our discussion.

I perceive work as a place of abundance. Many times, I have taken chances and left jobs for short contracts and every time it has paid off. A couple of years ago, I left a six-figure job to start my own business, without even being nervous. Right now, I barely deliver to my clients, because of my sitch, but I'm not worried that it will go back up when I feel better. I'm just confident that I deliver a good service and that there will always be demand.

I perceive relationships as a place of shortages. I find it hard to convince a woman to be with me. I will freeze rather than walk up to someone and start a conversation. I am not confident in my product. I've had few relationships and they way they started didn't give me the confidence that I could meet my needs at will. It made me accept difficult circumstances for fear of having to confront my fears again, of being alone or in a worse relationship.

As a reference point, I have a close friend who's the opposite of me. He's confident around women, but he's stuck in a bad job that he doesn't have the nerve to leave. He's demoted, under the threat of transfer, overworked, etc. I would have quit this job a long time ago and he's kind of puzzled that I'm still crying over WAW.

These are the kinds of things that I discovered about myself with my IC and my readings such as NMMNG and others. Now the goal is to change my perception of relationships to a healthier one. Much like I approach a client without being tied to the outcome, I need to approach women without (or less) fear of rejection. I need to be in charge of fulfilling my needs myself, and move on when someone is unavailable, rather than cling as if this was the only potential partner. WAW is a cheeseless tunnel: the cheese has moved, let's find it.

This is why I'm open to flirting and dating. Because it is the healthy and self-respecting reaction to rejection. Again (and again): not to cheating, but to outright rejection. My take does not apply to all sitches, but to mine where my W is committed to someone else and living with him. I'm still proudly DB'ing and hope to eventually reconcile with my WAW, but this ball is in her court. Me standing at her door until she changes or mind or that some local law allows her to rip apart our M certificate is not a healthy reaction.