Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

Hi twinmom,

Thank you for your suggestions.

I think my main problem at the moment is that I work from home and my 'friends' don't ever really do much. I probably only see them once every month or two. Without W and kids I am very lonely. I am with my parents a lot but they aren't much company to be honest.

Regarding hurting myself, I think deep down my W does know it was not a serious threat. I did explain that to her afterwards on the phone when she called, just that I was upset and it was a stupid thing to say and that I didn't mean it. Thinking about it now makes me feel so stupid.

I am lonely. I feel all alone on this planet. I have moments where I am distracted but overall I feel so terribly alone. I have regular (I mean see at least every week) contact with about 4-5 people in the whole world.

Immediately after split when I was a complete mess I went to the doctors and took anti Ds. They weren't working (I know they take time) and so I stopped taking them. I have been to a mental health service for an assessment and they just said I had an anxiety issue and we're going to refer me for some cognitive behaviourial therapy. I need to chase that up as the onus was on me to do so.

I feel like all the odds are against me at time. No one to talk to, W seemingly happy with herself as she has kids, new place, work friends who are telling her she's doing the right thing, a supportive family. I have a mother and father who make me a cup of tea or ask if I want a biscuit but are unable to provide any meaningful support. With no extended family (only two sisters, only one of which is any help) then I'm lost.

I have been GAL and when I do that I feel better...but it doesn't last. As I wrote last week, I went to the language meet up. It went very well, I enjoyed the new experience etc and I didn't really think about sitch at all whilst there. As soon as I left the place I was buzzing but my first thought was to call my W (as I would normally do after a social event) and tell her how it went. I couldn't. I felt so lonely. I feel so lonely. I know I can be tough and get through this but there are moments like today where my parents have gone away for the night, I am not in a position to work because of my emotions, I have no one to speak to, and I miss my children and my W terribly, that I feel like the world has fallen in on me.

I don't want to go down the anti D route. I had been doing a lot better these last few weeks. Even my parents had noticed. My big thing is to get another job that will keep me occupied throughout the day and then tired because of it at night.

I was going to get an unlimited cinema pass but the thought of being in the cinema all alone a few times a week has kind of put me off the idea.