Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

Well, my W has just called (6.50am).

Since she bought a new phone her signal is pretty bad so it was sometimes hard to hear what she was saying.

Anyway, the gist of the conversation was she rang me up to see if I wanted to go with her and the kids for an evening meal tomorrow. Well, of course I do.

She said she doesn't trust me at the moment due to some things that happened whilst son was in hospital. Just to recap, I broke down due to the stress of seeing my son in hospital, being with my W all day long, and we went into a small private room and I did the crying/begging/pleading etc. When this (obviously, I know) didn't work, I did say I would be better off dead than not being able to see my children all the time. I threatened to expose her A (she works in the same hospital)...and I did say I was going to do 'something stupid'. It wasn't a serious claim, more an act of desperation. W has chosen not to see it that way. From that, it led my W to contact the school to stop them letting out my daughter to me that day (she had originally asked me to pick D up) and we had a minor struggle over D in the playground, had to speak to the school, who now know we're separated.

She says that she feels bad that she hasn't allowed me to see the children over the last few days but what I did, or rather what I said I was going to do (hurt/kill myself), is unforgivable. I just stayed silent rather than try to justify anything or argue back to her. She said 'can't you speak? I've got to go and get the children ready.' So I just went back to talking about the meal out tomorrow.

She put S on the phone for a moment (D was getting ready upstairs apparently). We spoke briefly and he told me that he loves me. I filled up with tears. I heard him ask W whether daddy would be taking him to school today. She said, probably not, we'll probably get the bus.

I cried for a minute or two after putting the phone down. I am stronger now and these feelings last for a less amounts of time but wow, there is nothing as heartbreaking as knowing all your family are together somewhere else living their lives and you can't be with them. I do love my W, despite everything that's happening, and hearing my son's voice just reminded me (as if I needed reminding) that the love I have for my children is the greatest force in my life. I miss them so much. I know this situation isn't permanent. I do need to be as big a part of their life as I can - whatever happens R wise.

So overall, there are some positives to take from this. W hasn't completely shut the door on me seeing the kids. She doesn't appear to have followed through on MIL's threats of restricting me seeing the kids and going to a solicitor about it (could be wrong here, who knows). She appears to have had some time to calm down and feels bad about how she is reacting. That's the first time she has shown any sort of guilt over anything since we split.

Of course the downside is she is very angry with me, and she doesn't trust me to take the children out on my own. At least we get to go out together as a family, which I know the kids will love, and of course I will enjoy too.

It goes without saying that this is a crucial outing for me. I need to show my W that I am in control, enjoy the time out with my kids, not get needy/angry etc. I need to just enjoy the time for what it is - time with my family as a family.

On a side note: I'm positive W would have keys now for new place. Once she's settled in she won't be so reliant on her parents. At this point if I get things right I think over time there will be a chance to work things out. A few days of not being around has led her to call me. I've no doubt the kids miss me and ask for me. I need to show her happiness, a positive attitude, contentment, and a new side to me.