So I am divorced.

[mahhhty]

Basically being stuck in the "why" questions leads to blame which leads to resentment (anger and other negative feelings) which isn't a good place to be. The best way to deal with these questions is to understand you have them and how limiting they can be but don't get stuck there. Instead, change the questions to "what can I do differently moving forward?"

Lost - I think you are absolutely right. It makes so much sense to me, but I never thought about it that way. Why questions (Why did she do this or that, why did I do this or that?) leads to blame then to resentment/anger/disappointment. Perhaps this is the funk I have been in. Its amazing how you read something for the first time and just clicks.

After reading this and reading Sandi's writeup about LBH, I think in the beginning I signed up to be the bad guy. I let her unload, and all I did was validate, cower and accept the blame. I was not myself, and honestly had not been for a long time. I think the loss of my wife and our sex life after the kids came, had a significant impact on me. Regardless, this all provided me the motivation for knowledge, introspection and change (well that and the fact I was now a LBH).

Getting back to the point, I think at the end of the day I ask the why questions to prove to myself that I am not a terrible person, and didn't solely push my wife away. I understand the way MWD identifies a WAW, is that they believe they have tried everything and that the relationship can't be fixed. I would hope on some level my X believes that she did try everything. From my perspective, I don't believe that everything was tried, b/c I felt so in the dark. I believe a combination of our lack of sex, or quality time of any nature, compounded with my withdrawal, both of us placing careers over each other, our lack of communication, her passive aggressiveness and both of us being stubborn, as well as, us being in the marriage map stage of pointing fingers, is to blame for our demise, along with a million other things.

This is nothing new for my situation. However, what is new is my response. I am going to do my best to accept, that these things will not be answered and that my understanding is sufficient. I will continue to try to learn and understand what I can do differently to promote healthy behavior and relationships. But I will no longer complain about the "why's," therefore no longer playing the blame game, therefore no longer storing resentment for a rainy day.

Thank you Lost for the support!