Maybell XXXII

[Maybell]

Yes, you are right. I'm wobbling between anger and grief now. It hurts.

Last night he said he wanted to behave fairly to "leave things as right as they could be" between us. I don't understand how he could have spent sixteen FULL (as in eventful) years with me and want to just shake me off him like dirt from his shoes. I told him that expecting my trust at this point was entitlement and if he wanted to regain it even a little then he needed to respect my opinions and whatever I actions I felt like I needed to take to see to my own best interests.

As good as it felt to lay that out so plainly, I feel like I crumpled with my daughter today. She turned twelve today.

It was very, very bad. Something was clearly upsetting her. But she exhibits it as utter disrespect and ugliness. ALL EVENING. Horrible. I wanted to just walk away from her and be calm. But I needed to get dinner on the table. I needed to get things done. And the whole night she's just chasing after me complaining, criticizing, awful. My boundaries trampled (though not as bad as they used to be) and I couldn't enforce them. I still have so much growing to do.

STBX called her on the actual phone tonight and since she was really angry and wouldn't take the phone, I put it on speaker and set it next to her. She never did take it and eventually he gave up. Then he texted me that he was sorry but he'd call back later when she was calmer.

I found that moment very infuriating. But rather than responding with some version of FU I ignored him. BTW, I don't know if she knows why he wasn't here for her birthday. I didn't ask because I don't want to give the appearance of getting in the middle of them in any way. He didn't post his travel on the family calendar (that has been the agreement in the past), but I understand from the email exchange forwarded from my attorney that he seems to be traveling today. She didn't ask on the phone, he didn't say. If she thinks he's in town and only called her, no wonder she's upset and clingy.

I have become much stronger in the last year. Much, much stronger. Still so far to go, though. My girl was so upset today. Time of the month? First birthday since her dad moved out? Too tired/hungry? Adjusting to the strict (but not completely organized) babysitter? Something at school? Why today and not yesterday? The boys are feeling better and finally sleeping in their own beds again (at least for now). My girl seems to be getting a little clingier. I hope I can help her learn to speak her needs so she can be better.