I hope you will LISTEN to your L and follow through your new strategy to the letter. He has your best interests at heart and will do all he can to prolong this as long as possible. You do have to protect your legal, financial, and parental interests.
Your W isn't thinking clearly and only wants you to roll over to do her bidding. Not gonna happen.
Originally Posted By: FOOLISH
So now my big question is - once my WAW gets winds that I am now taking this up a notch - lawyer route - she will be even further polarized from me - right? How is that a good thing? Won't that make her "hate" me and everything I represent even more and push her further into the AP arms? What am I missing here?
Yeah, let her get MAD at this new development. Because it upends her pretty scenario in her head where you roll over and do her biding. Meh. Let her get mad. It is a short-term stab over the long-term which is trying to drag this out and continue DBing.
As for the emails, there's a way to conduct them cordially. It is how you respond. They don't have to be short and curt. Whether you like it or not, you DO have influence on how those email exchanges take place.
As I have said previously here in this thread and elsewhere, we encourage people to post draft emails here for feedback to ensure they're in line with DBing principles before hitting the "send" button. This way, one can diffuse the tension and head off the potential for some really nasty, heated exchanges.
Bottom line: Step back and let your L do all the legal work. In my case, I completely removed myself from direct communications with Ms. Wonka and re-enforced the boundary only once when she crossed it.
My legal team protected me emotionally and legally. I didn't have to deal with the pain of communicating with Ms. Wonka directly about the break-up of my dream.
I have asked my l to fire off the letter to the DIY mediation service to terminate. My WAW keeps sending me emails to agree on a date and time to meet and "mediate" some more. I am ignoring these emails and texts.
I am waiting on my l to sened me a copy of the letter for my review. I will not engage with WAW in any format except when the kids are involved.
I will let the DB team preveiw any emails I may send.
We are here to support you through this process. It is my way to pay forward when I can.
Originally Posted By: FOOLISH
My WAW keeps sending me emails to agree on a date and time to meet and "mediate" some more. I am ignoring these emails and texts.
When my L informed Ms. Wonka's L that I've called the mediation off, they also informed her that she's not to contact me at all. Even after this notice, Ms. Wonka did contact me directly. I then contacted my L to inform her of the contact and to have them to re-emphasize no-contact to Ms. Wonka. After that, I had zero problems as Ms. Wonka compiled with the request.
What happened was that my L introduced herself to Ms. Wonka's L and that she was representing me in the proceedings. I would ask that the L inform your W that he is representing you.
Yep, I reviewed all letters L prepared before sending them to Ms. Wonka's L. I was the boss. You should behave likewise with your own L.
Next question is - How do you know when the AP is out of the picture? I have no intel and really no clue. The AP lives out of town and my WAW and I aren't spreaking/texting or emailing at all right now. How do I know? Does it matter?
From what I have read - the WAW will not even start to resemble her old self until the AP is gone. Until that time any talks or chats are futile as she actively hates the LBS.
It sounds like you got your answer: the behaviour of your W will change. Keep in mind that DB says it's not about the OP. So in a way, we shouldn't care. We're just waiting from a sign from WAS.
In my case, I expect the kids to tell me and in your case I almost expect that your WAW will tell you. This being said, we shouldn't get fixated on this. In fact, I plan to change almost nothing initially if OM is out of the picture, to show WAW that I'm not using every opportunity to win her back, that I'm moving on and understand that it was not about OM. This should make them think about our stance.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks for the response. You are right - what difference does it make?
I am moving on - as you know we are in the process of the big D. I hate every second of it and my WAW appears to relish the opportunity to ditch me and get on to her new and improved life.
I am keeping the "I am already Dead" mantra going inside my head. There is nothing more that can hurt me as I am already dead. I take that to mean, Face the Fear, drop the rope, move on.
My WAW keeps calling and texting me to hurry up with the process. I am undeterred and will move along according to the advice of my L.
For some reason the 23rd Psalm keeps going through my head
The Lord is my Shepard, He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me besides the still waters, He restoreth my Soul, He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his names sake. Yea though i walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me, they rod and thy staff comfort me. Thous preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies, though annoinest my head with oil, my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Something that we've discussed in your thread before is worth remembering: D is not the end. Some success stories have stopped on the day of the signature, some have gone through D and the reconciled. 25yearsmlc is fond of mentioning 2-3 couples in her family that have remarried after D. I think you focus too much on the D being the end. For me, it's a painful step that I dread, but I almost see it as a step towards R, when my WAW has finally made her point that she's free to dump me and I've shown her that indeed she can go. Then she's free to come back.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm going to stop calling you F because I hate that name.
Originally Posted By: FOOLISH
Next question is - How do you know when the AP is out of the picture? I have no intel and really no clue. The AP lives out of town and my WAW and I aren't spreaking/texting or emailing at all right now. How do I know? Does it matter?
It doesn't matter and should not sway you from your DB path. If you would remember, Ms. Wonka wouldn't talk to me for the first 4 months after moving out of the house. Not even a smoke signal!! It took a while for her to even send me a photo of our cat (she took the cat and I kept our dog) after I sent her photos of the dog. Sheesh...she moved slooooow like a glacier.
Originally Posted By: FOOLISH
Until that time any talks or chats are futile as she actively hates the LBS.
Nope. That's not the case. It will take a long time for their wall to come down because they don't want to give us hope and they don't want to appear "disloyal" to the OW/OM by engaging with you. Oh Lord! Perish that thought.
As you do have kids, they are opportunities to show W that you are cordial and cooperative. In the face of nastiness, W will eventually realize her own foolishness in behaving less than ideal toward you. How does one feel when one continues throwing nasty stuff toward another person who has shown nothing but kindness? Pretty awful.
Just focus on you and the kids. When talking about logistics like exchanges, school related matters, etc...then you can be nothing but respectful. When your W is short and curt, don't follow it. Don't stoop to that level. You're miles and miles better than that...no? Right.
Perhaps you are right but as I said earlier you are a better peson than I am. You have waaaay more empathy and patience that I do. I have learned a lot from you on both of these fronts.
In my family, I too have an Aunt and Uncle that I love dearly who divorced stayed divorced for about a year and then remarried. They have been married over 30 years. Its hard for me to believe they were ever divorced.
I honestly don't know how I can reconnect with her after all of this has gone down. The lies, betrayals, the anger, the threats and filings to take my children from me, the disrespect, all of that has been so hard for me to endure. Do I have empathy for her? I do as I seriousy think she is in crisis even though she does not know it.
All of my friends and family are incredulous that I could still even want to reconcile with her - EVER. All of her family and friends are pushing for he divorce. But that is a decision that only we can make. I get it that my friends and famiy are trying to protect me.
I honestly think the reason my WAW is pushing so hard for this D is so she can marry the AP. That is the only reason that makes sense to me. So again, who am I to stand in the way of true love?
If nothing else, I would like to have an apology when this is all over. I don't think I will get one and I don't think this will end well with a bow on the package. I think it will be a ugly wound that will take a long time to heal if ever frankly. Co parenting will be very hard but again, I will do my best for my children's best interests.
I wil try to conduct myself with dignity, pride and compassion. I hope I get that in return but if I don't I don't. I will try to remember this is not about me but HER.
For now I will try to push past the fear and carry on even though my heart and soul are crushed.
The next update will be on Friday with news from my L about the strategy.
I'm going to stop calling you F because I hate that name.
Originally Posted By: FOOLISH
Next question is - How do you know when the AP is out of the picture? I have no intel and really no clue. The AP lives out of town and my WAW and I aren't spreaking/texting or emailing at all right now. How do I know? Does it matter?
It doesn't matter and should not sway you from your DB path. If you would remember, Ms. Wonka wouldn't talk to me for the first 4 months after moving out of the house. Not even a smoke signal!! It took a while for her to even send me a photo of our cat (she took the cat and I kept our dog) after I sent her photos of the dog. Sheesh...she moved slooooow like a glacier.
Originally Posted By: FOOLISH
Until that time any talks or chats are futile as she actively hates the LBS.
Nope. That's not the case. It will take a long time for their wall to come down because they don't want to give us hope and they don't want to appear "disloyal" to the OW/OM by engaging with you. Oh Lord! Perish that thought.
As you do have kids, they are opportunities to show W that you are cordial and cooperative. In the face of nastiness, W will eventually realize her own foolishness in behaving less than ideal toward you. How does one feel when one continues throwing nasty stuff toward another person who has shown nothing but kindness? Pretty awful.
Just focus on you and the kids. When talking about logistics like exchanges, school related matters, etc...then you can be nothing but respectful. When your W is short and curt, don't follow it. Don't stoop to that level. You're miles and miles better than that...no? Right.
